Total Transformation Program & Parenting Help

Qualities to being a Good Parent 2

2012-01-20T12:01:00.001-08:00

1) Spend time with your child alone, and as a family unit.
Pen, not pencil, in a time to do something special with your child. Read to them at night, go on a walk together. Get to know your child. Also, do things as a family. Eat dinner together, play a board game together, even play handball together... By doing this you are creating a family bond. Kids who do not deal much with their parents or sibling(s) can be clueless as to what families actually do together. Give your child a basis.

2) Show your child how to solve life problems.
If you don't teach your child how to deal with problems in the correct manner, who will teach them? Problems can range from how to deal with friends who are mean to how to lose a game without having a melt down. Life can he hard, teach them how to handle it as best as possible.

3) Instill the idea of moderation. I.e. Food. TV. Computer games. You can't have everything all the time.

4) Teach good eating habits. Monkey see, monkey do.

5) Teach tolerance towards others by your own behavior.

6) Teach your child about finances.
It's no joke when a woman says, "Oh I have no head for finances. My parents never taught me." Children should learn how to budget their money. They shouldn't spend money on things they don't have money for. Credit card debit can be like a black hole. It's hard to get out of.

7) Teach your child responsibly.
From pitching in with chores to turning in their homework on time. Your child's boss later in life is not going to believe their dog ate the company's project report.

8) Teach an appreciation for life.
If you complain and whine about life and what it dealt you, you are instilling negativity in your child. There are things to appreciate. From art to nature to your pet dog to the right of having a fair trial in the U.S.

9) Teach your child about safety.
The world is not perfect. You need to teach your child to protect themselves. This can be from the danger of matches to not going anywhere with a stranger, no matter if the person says that they are hurt, you the parent is hurt, or the puppy in their car is hurt and can they help.

10) Give your child a warm, safe home environment.
Your material goods come second to a child's basic needs. Food, clean clothes, and shelter. Also, a child should not have to fear living in their home. No child should be exposed to, or have to worry about, being verbally or physically abused by anyone in their home.

11) Let your child grow and go when the time comes.
One day your child might want a spouse. It's hard to have a good marriage with a parent-in-law poking in your business all the time. Children and adults need to learn to make their own decisions. Just because a minor decision your child picks is different then what you would pick doesn't automatically mean it's the wrong choice. Dealing with parent guilt is not fun.

Parenting Article: Qualities to being a Good Parent

2011-11-12T19:15:00.000-08:00

Qualities to being a Good Parent Part 1

Someone asked me what I thought were the most important qualities/attributes to being a good parent. I thought about it and came up with a list of ten.

1)Above all Love Your Child.
Love is an action not just mere words. Love should not be confused with spoiling a child. You also should not have to pick which you love more, your spouse or your child. Each relationship is separate. Besides it is like comparing apples to oranges. And remember your child is a separate entity from you. Just because you like baseball does not mean they have to.

2)Patience.
Especially when you’ve had a hard day and your child is being extra trying.

3)Kindness.
Be kind and you will get kindness in return. (But maybe not the same day.)

4)Empathy. For your child and others.
When you are empathetic you are displaying compassion and understanding. A big thanks to all parents who do this.

5)Caring. For family and society.
One way to teach your child to care is by doing good works for others. And I do not
mean just forking money over to a charity for a tax break. I mean giving your time. A child is more likely to help with worthy causes now and later in life if
they witness their parents doing so.

6)Consistency.
Children like to be safe. Consistency in rules, behavior, how you act, etc. gives them security.

7)The ability to give consequences and stick to them.
Some parents have problems being the heavy. Society needs your cooperation here. One day your child will be living on their own and among us. Every society appreciates good citizens.

8)Control your temper.
Calm parenting is much more effective. Yelling and throwing a tantrum ruins your creditability.

9)Teach your child how to fit in society properly.
By this I mean teaching your child good hygiene, good manners, how to get along with others and how to make friends. Some children are shy so it is especially important to show them how to make friends.

10)Take an interest in what your child likes and dislikes.
Even if you are not very good at sports but your child is, you can still enjoy sports together. You can watch a baseball game together or GO TO THEIR HOME GAMES if they play a sport. And you can always find time for a tea party. As far as taking an interest in what a child does not like, an example of this: if they do not like teddy bears why would you keep giving them one?

Children and Communication

2011-11-10T18:22:00.001-08:00

People communicate in different ways. They express how they feel verbally and non-verbally. Verbal expression is telling someone how you feel. "Please don't say that. That hurts my feelings." Non-verbal expression is showing with your face and/or body movements how you feel. Teaching kids to watch facial expressions and body language in others is important. Let's say your child takes the ball away from a classmate because they’re mad at how the handball game is going. The classmate might hunch their shoulders and look sad because of this. Or give your child an angry look. This is non-verbal expression of how they feel about the matter. They're not happy. When this happens have your child: Stop. Look. Focus. They are to stop what they're doing. Look to see how their actions are making someone feel. Then focus on their behavior. They can make things better by giving the ball back and saying, "Sorry, I took the ball. Go ahead, it's your turn." Paying attention to others feelings is how you keep friends.

Why Parents should Find out ALL the Facts Before Disciplining their Child.

2011-10-13T20:41:00.000-07:00

Have you ever yelled at your child for doing something before finding out the whole story? As a parent you should find out what happened before you discipline your child. I will give you three reasons why. Number one, you do not want to teach your child to jump to conclusions. If you do this, they will see it, and do the same. Children mimic adult behavior. Number two, before you can justify giving a consequence you need to find out what really happened. You do not want to discipline your child for something they did not do wrong. Number three, some children embellish what occurred, habitually. You need to let them tell their version of the story first so afterwards you can say, "No Jack, that did not happen. I saw you break the vase with my own eyes. So do not lie." By saying this you are not letting Jack get away with his lie. Jack might get upset and cry when you tell him he is lying. He even might say you do not understand. But you really do. You understand he is trying to get away with lying by masking it with tears or indignation that you think he would lie. You need to be strong and not let him get away with telling tales. You should also let Jack know there will be X consequence for lying. And stick to giving the consequence!

Sample scenario: You are in your den and just got off the phone. You enter the dining room. You see a soccer ball in the corner and your son holding a broken plate. To your horror, you notice it is your Great Grandma's hand painted plate. Upset, you start yelling, "How did my plate break?! Jack I've told you a thousand times not play ball in the dining room. Why did you do it? Upstairs, young man!" Jack tries to explain what happened but you interrupt him with, "No excuses! I am so angry!" Sure in the past you might have caught Mike playing ball in the dining room, which he knows he should not do, but what happens if it was not him who broke the plate? What if it was his sister, Sue, who while you were entering the dining room went in the kitchen to look for glue to glue the plate? What if it was Sue who was playing in the dining room and broke the plate? What if Jack came in the room when he heard the crash and Sue told him to hold the plate while she got some glue? I know it can be very hard to keep your cool when an object you love is broken, especially when you have told your children many times not to touch it or play near it. But you need to set the tone. Try to remain calm. You need to teach your children to find out all the facts before correcting someone. Teach them to be fair.

Parenting Article: Get Your Child to Listen to You

2011-08-15T23:47:00.001-07:00

Do you ever feel that your child is not really listening to what you are telling them? Do they focus on only one or two words or only one aspect of what you are saying? Whether you are correcting them, giving them instructions or explaining something to them it can be frustrating when your child or teen will not listen to EVERYTHING you have to say. If your child only listens to part of what you are saying they aren’t getting the full benefit of what you are attempting to communicate.

Seven reasons why children might not fully listen:
1) Your child has focus problems.
2) They are angry/upset for not seeing things their way.
3) They are angry/upset that you are correcting them.
4) They are embarrassed you are correcting them in front of a friend.
5) They think they already understand what you want.
6) They are not interested in what you are saying.
7) They do not think your idea or information has sufficient merit to give you their whole attention.

Your child or teen may not completely understand what you are trying to convey if they do not let you finish talking. Unfortunately, I have seen kids get caught up with a single aspect of a bigger picture. They hone in on it. And because of this they interrupt you with: "But Mom he started it." "You’re taking his side!" "Dad you don't understand." Or "I don't agree." What is worse, some kids will tune you out. When this occurs I suggest you take a deep breathe. And if they are upset have your child do the same. Tell them to please not interrupt you as you speak and to listen to ALL you have to say. If they refuse to do this, have them go to their room until they cool off. Then try again. Once again start off by telling them to listen to everything you have to say and not just some words. It can be hard. Kids will hear what they want to hear. Some kids more than others. You could repeatedly repeat what you are saying, but if they get fixated on only one or two words they are not grasping the entire meaning of what you are telling them. They are not getting the "whole ball of yarn" they are merely getting snippets. You want your child to comprehend all of what you are saying and why.

Advice:
This is what you can do if you have a child who often has a difficult time listening to you: First politely ask your child or teen to uncross their arms if they tend to so. But do not make an issue of it! I only suggest this to loosen them up emotionally. When a defiant person crosses their arms as you are speaking it often is a sign they are "shutting you out." They are showing you they are unreceptive. From the very start you want your child or teen to be as open as possible to what you have to say.

After this, clearly state they are to listen to ALL you have to say BEFORE they can make a response. When you do speak, cut to the chase. Do not ramble on. Also, do not put too much emphasis on your child making eye contact with you. It is more important they GET what you are trying to say. As you talk if you start to see your child getting upset or annoyed by their body language or facial expression calmly tell them to calm down. Count to seven or ten silently. If they can not control themselves or they cop an attitude, calmly tell them to take a moment or few to collect themselves in their room or another room. Later talk to them again. I propose this because you want to break their thought of not wanting to listen to your position. If you revisit the issue afresh you might have a better time of getting them, to at least, listen to MORE of what you have to say. I realize that with children with OCD they might still be focused on one or two words you had said. In fact, they might be stewing on it if they are alone with nothing to do. Try to get them focused on something else. Have them read a book or do some activity to relax them. This is as much for them as for you. Limit the negative impact their OCD can have on them.

Parenting article: The Miracle that Happens When You Look for the Good in Your Child

2011-06-05T18:56:00.000-07:00

When you find a good characteristic or trait in your child, share it with them. They’ll take it to heart. Tell them about a positive action they did that you liked. You can say, "I liked how you stuck up for your brother when other kids pick on him." Maybe your child only did this once, but since you are proud she did it, she will be more disposed to do it again. She'll take pride in her kind actions. Think well of your child and it will come back to you. Be cruel to your child and it creates hate and resentment. If you need to get your child to stop a behavior, you can share it in a constructive manner. “If you want Janey to play with you, you should play nicely. Share the building blocks with her. If you take them away and stick your tongue out at her it makes her feel bad. And she doesn’t want to play with you. I know you can share. I’ve seen you play nicely before.” Here you have set the tone for how to be nice, twice. By repeating positive behavior you want it reinforces it.

Don't manipulate your child into doing something by saying, "I only want what’s best for you," when you really mean, "You'll be better off and happier if you for fill my desires for you." Love your child now, not the child you desire or fantasized about before they were born. Your child is not an extension of you, like an arm or leg. They are their own unique person. They are not a mirror image of you, even if they look like you when you were younger. They have their own thoughts, temperament, and dreams. Look for the good in them today and you'll see a better child tomorrow. But don't give undo or false praise. This creates a selfish child.

Two family ideas that can build harmony in the home:
Number 1: For one week, every day, make a true effort to find something good in your child. Tell them what it is. After a week see if their behavior has changed in any way. Note how. Do this for another week. Note the results. And see if their attitude towards you has changed.

Number 2: Pick a special plate or bowl. Once a week let someone in your family have it at dinner time. Whoever gets the plate gets nice things said to them from everyone around the table. Examples of things to be said: "You’re a fun brother to have." "I like how you did your homework yesterday without having me to tell you to get started on it." "I think you are a creative person."
Get going on positive reinforcement!

Total Transformation Reviews

2011-04-29T22:53:00.000-07:00

Look for what I wrote in the archives.

Overgeneralizing and Kids

2011-04-09T21:04:00.000-07:00

Why Kids Over Generalize- Stop the Power Play

Why, oh why do kids over generalize?
1) To get their way now.
2) To get their way in the future.
3) As a way of justifying what they want or what occurred.
4) To gain sympathy.

All these reasons have one thing in common. They are a Power Play. A child will use power play to maneuver you to where they want you. Their mission: To get you to agree with them. That they should have such and such, or what they did or did not do was acceptable.

I am sure if you have children you might have heard something like this at some point, "Why can't I do __________ (fill in the blank)? You let me do it yesterday." To a child this is a sound argument. And it might be, except for five years now you have never let your child have a soda and a piece of pie right before dinner. Yesterday was an exception. Your sister that you have not seen for six years was in town with her daughter. But now your child is trying to make out like having pie and soda before dinner should be the standard. This is over generalizing something. Doing something once does not mean it is going to happen every day.

Stop a power play before if can occur. Before you make an exception to a rule you should explain to your child that this is an EXCEPTION, a special treat. It is not going to be a normal occurrence. This goes for staying at a friend's house later usual, staying up two hours after bedtime, not doing a certain chore, the list goes on. Do not think, "Oh but they will understand." Even the best of kids try over generalizing. Hey it might work they figure. Do not buy into it. Or they will try it again. And again. And why not if it worked before? To avoid any misunderstanding or an argument later tell your child upfront X is an exception. I highly recommend you do this if you have a child who argues.

Kids can also use the words "always" and "never" to over generalize a point. Have you ever heard this from your child, "But Dad always lets me do it!" or "Mom never makes me do that." With divorced parents having kids over generalize can be particularly aggravating. Let's say you make your ten-year-old son wear a helmet when he rides his bike. But he does not want to this time so he firmly states, "But Dad never makes me!" Instead of bad mouthing your Ex. in front of your son by saying, "Well your father has no sense," stop and think. Maybe only once did your Ex not make your son wear his helmet and that was because he forgot it somewhere. Calmly tell your child just because their father lets them do something at his house does not mean they can do it at yours. Then at another time ask your Ex. what is the norm at his house about riding a bike and wearing a helmet or whatever the issue is about. It is great when both parents agree upon rules, but I understand that is not always possible when parents live apart. But think of this, if you do agree upon rules there will be less power play by your child against the both of you. Divorced or not, do not let your child get away with pitting one parent against the other.

Let's take another scenario. John wails to his mother, "Tommy hit me! He always hits me!" Just because Tommy hit his brother, John, once or even four times during their life together does not mean Tommy always does it. But John wants sympathy. He is making a power play. He thinks he can control the situation if he can enlist your support. He thinks by saying this he can influence your reaction. Dodge the power play. John is making a sweeping generalization which is not based on true evidence. Yes, you should give Tommy a consequence for hitting his brother, but you should also tell John that Tommy does not hit him all the time. And if he makes untrue statements like this people will not believe him when it counts.

Give responsible love and concern to your children

2011-04-05T23:07:00.000-07:00

In Lesson 3 in the Total Transformation Program CD James Lehman talks about parents giving responsible love and concern to their children. This is a good topic to cover. You can love your child without loving their behavior. With responsible love and concern you love your child, but still expect them not to cuss, hit or lie to you. How can you teach your child about love if you don't love yourself enough not to let someone mistreat you or treat you like a doormat? Additionally, you shouldn't help a child cover up a wrong. Don't let your child twist love by saying, "If you loved me you would cover up that I did X." No, if they loved YOU they wouldn't put you in that situation. Moreover, it doesn't really help. The more you cover up lying or stealing the more it could occur. They'll expect you to back up their story again and again because you did it before. So don't do it. Tell them about responsible love. That you love them and will teach them how to behave appropriately, but your child is responsible for their actions. Do NOT get into a discussion about this with a child who likes to argue. It won't solve anything. And you both could get frustrated. State it. Explain it. Tell them that's the way it's going to be. Period.

Parenting Article: Fight Back Against Nightmares

2011-04-01T17:07:00.000-07:00

Sometimes children have nightmares. But if your child is losing sleep by frequently waking up with them you need to find out the root of the problem. And do something about it. Death. Divorce. Parents who frequently argue. Instability in the home. School bullies. All can cause stress. Stress can manifest itself in nightmares. If your child has serious stress I urge you to see your family doctor.

Simple help for night frights. If your child wakes up with a bad dream go to them. Reassure them you're there and they are safe. Do not ever yell at your child because they woke you up. Try this: Give your child a reassuring hug and ask them what's wrong. Their answer might or might not make sense. Either way you can say something like, "Boy, that seems to have upset you." You are giving them comfort by understanding they are upset. Even if the dream doesn't seem scary to you it was to them so you need to empathize. You can say, "That does seem like a scary dream." After you comfort them, get your child to focus on something else. Ask them if they would like to get a glass of water or go to the bathroom. If your child keeps crying you can tell them a funny story that happened that day; Or something funny the dog did last week. The intention is to get them to stop thinking about the nightmare so they can go back to sleep. You can talk more about their nightmare the next day when they are more awake and have gotten some sleep.

Reoccurring bad dreams. During a quiet moment, at breakfast or after school, ask your child questions about their latest nightmare. If they say a big hairy gorilla ran up to them, picked them up and yelled "Scram!" think about this. Did you child watch a gorilla movie on T.V. two days ago? It might have been too scary for them. This gives you the heads up on what your child can deal with. Monitor what they watch. No more scary movies. And be proactive. Ask, "How do you think you can stop having bad dreams?" They might not know. Or they might know. Deep down inside they might know they shouldn't be watching scary movies. Or they might give you a revelation. "The gorilla looked like dad." Does your husband scream at your child for not doing his homework, or for being late for dinner? This could be scaring your child.

To combat bad dreams. When your child goes to bed get them to think happy thoughts. Anything from vacations, their dog, making a triple hitter, etc. The sky's the limit. Also, let them read a funny story before going to sleep so that's the last thing they remember. If your child is young tell them, or read to them, a happy or funny story. Also try this: During the day, get your child to think of ways to stop a dream if it starts going bad. If a gorilla runs after them again in a dream, they should firmly think, "He can't hurt me!" Have them see in their mind's eye a big feather. With this feather they should tickle the gorilla to make it laugh. As the gorilla laughs he grows smaller and smaller until he disappears. Now your child is safe.

Please be proactive. Some parents tend to think, less said soonest mended. I believe this is not true with reoccurring nightmares. Acknowledge there is a problem and set out to try to solve it. If you don't teach your children how to solve a problem, how will they ever learn to solve problems? Ignoring a problem doesn't make it magically disappear. And I believe it can cause further problems down the road.

The case of Mr. Boney. One little three-year-old I knew kept having nightmares of a boney man who would lean over her bed and scare her. This happened about a week after Halloween. Her parent and I were inclined to think it started due to seeing a child dressed up as a skeleton on Halloween night. The three-year-old was asked what might help make Mr. Boney go away. She wasn't sure. It was suggested that putting up many signs around her room saying, "Mr. Boney STAY AWAY!" might help. This was done and it helped. The nightmares lessened and gradually went away. Lesson to be learned: Try to find the cause. Then take action against the nightmare.

Difficult Kids who Repeatedly Talking about their Feelings

2011-03-28T20:41:00.000-07:00

In Lesson 3 in the Total Transformation Program CD James Lehman talks about how difficult children who repeatedly talk about their feelings don't get much out of it. He believes you can't feel your way to better behavior, but you can behave your way to better feelings. At first when I listened to this particular section I wasn't too sure I agreed with this. Then after listening to this a couple of more times and his explanation why, I thought, yes, he has a point. It makes sense if you think about it. I've heard kids say to me and their parents, "I felt frustrated that is why I did X." Or, "I felt mad so I did X." "I felt really upset so I did X." The child can feel frustrated/mad/sad/upset, but just by feeling this it's not going to change their behavior for the better. They need to make a change in their behavior. If they do they could feel better. Example: Suzy keeps complaining she feels angry and sad when kids at school don't want to play handball "the right way" with her, meaning her way, so out of frustration she hits them. Just feeling angry and sad is not going to get the kids at school to play with her. But if she changes her behavior and stops hitting them when they say she's "out" they might want to play with her again. And when or if they want to play with her she should FEEL happier. Thus, changing her behavior can lead to her feeling better.

Kids Need Training and Coaching

2011-03-26T11:48:00.000-07:00

In Lesson 3 in the Total Transformation Program CD James Lehman talks about how kids need training and coaching. This is absolutely true. Children, especially kids who are difficult, need to be shown how to be behave. If their parents are difficult with others, but expect their kids not to be this can be confusing to a child. Parents have your actions be a positive example. You also need to correct your child's inappropriate behavior. If Tommy hits his brother because he turns off the TV, his mother or father needs to take Tommy aside and say that was not the correct thing to do. Then his parent should explain to him how to solve the problem. Sometimes parents need help with parenting skills, especially if their child has reoccurring behavioral issues. This is why I think if you have a defiant, obstinate child, and you're at your wits end it's a good idea to get a parenting program to help you. Talking to other parents with similar problems and finding out what works for them can also be helpful.

Making your Child Acountable for their Actions- how to do it

2011-03-23T19:35:00.000-07:00

I agree with James Lehman that accountability both in parents and children is important. Example: Let's say your child's job is to sweep the patio on Saturdays. You as the parent should provide a broom and dustpan. That's your responsibility. Your child should sweep. That's their responsibility. They should learn (A) I am responsible for sweeping the patio on Saturdays. (B) Mom and Dad are responsible for providing the broom and dustpan. (C) If I don't sweep Mom/Dad will NOT do it for me. (D) I will be held accountable if I don't do it.

Remember accountability applies now and when your child is all grown up. When they get a job their boss will expect them to show up to work and do their job. As an employee your child should expect their boss to pay them and have a habitable work place. Both are accountable if they don't comply.

Note: If you have a forgetful child you can write their responsibilities down in a spot they can refer back to. I know one parent who wrote her house rules on a big poster board and put it up on a door for her kids to see.

State to kids what is expected of them

2011-03-19T21:52:00.001-07:00

In Lesson 3 in the Total Transformation CD: James Lehman talks about how parents should state to kids what is expected of them. In return parents should let their kids know what is expected of the parents. Both should be accountable for their responsibilities. This is excellent advice. By setting ground rules, #1, your kids can't come back and say to you, "I didn't know I'd be held accountable for that." #2, your child now knows who's in charge (and it's not them) and what's exactly expected from them. #3, they will know you take your responsibilities as a parent seriously (which I think is important to developing responsibility in children).

Parents take Action

2011-03-14T21:28:00.001-07:00

In his Total Transformation CD's James Lehman suggests that when a child doesn't do something they promised and agreed upon you should take action. Very true. It's important a child shows you they can indeed do what they promised. In the end this will save aggregation on both sides. For example, let's say Jimmy agrees he'll clean up his game on the floor before he goes to a friend's house. But he doesn't. Instead of yelling and arguing with Jimmy about how he never does what he's told, just be firm. Tell Jimmy when he can show you he can clean up his toys when expected you'll revisit the idea of him going over to a friend's. Then find ways he can show you he can clean up. Ask him to clean up his toys before dinner. If he agrees and does it, that's sign 1. If he puts his books back on his shelf liked you asked that's sign 2. After one or two more times of keeping his promise you can tell him that you're proud of his process, and now you can talk about his going over to a friend's house again. Note: I don't think you should have all the "show me you can clean up" signs in just one day. Give it at least two days.

Parenting Article: How to Talk to Your Child and Teen Effectively.

2011-03-11T14:31:00.000-08:00

How to Talk to Your Child and Teen Effectively.

What kind of voice do you use when talking to your child? This is a very important question. Tis sad but true but I have heard parents talk to their children like their kids were the ones with the power. The parent will ask, uneasily, "Tommy, do you think you could turn off the TV before you leave the room if it's not too much trouble?" Why is the parent asking this in such an unsure voice? What they desire should be put in a polite statement, not in a walking-on-egg-shells question. Some parents request things in timid wondering ways because they do not want a confrontation. They do not want to get in a possible argument. The parent is afraid of the reaction they might get to their request. Maybe Tommy could get angry and say something unkind. Or the parent might be afraid their child will think they are mean and dislike them. Or the parent might feel bad if their child cries.

Kids can be manipulative. A woman I know, who I will call Barb, stopped carpooling with another mom. This is because Barb has a rule, no drinking anything but water in her van. The other mother insisted her son needed a juice box in the car to calm him down from a hard day at school. Barb said he could have it when he got home. But the woman insisted her son said he needed it in the car. Barb told the woman just to tell him, wait till you get home. The woman refused saying her son would cry and that would ruin his day. Barb refused to budge. She told me in a disgusted voice, "Just think, if a not having a juice box in the car is going to ruin his day what other things will ruin his day? Not being able to watch TV when he wants? Eating vegetables at dinner? This parent is setting up her son for unhappiness. A juice box should not ruin his day."

Again kids can be manipulative. If they know you need them to like you they will use this to their advantage. I know a parent who has an only child. Both she and her daughter know her teen can get away with things by saying, "If you don't let me do X I will move out and I will never have contact with you again." The mother does not want this so she gives in to things. But it would be more sensible to call her daughter's bluff. But the mother is too scared to do so. As long as you let your child have the upper hand in situations like this it will be harder to parent your child. Scared parents do not make effective parents.

To be an effective parent be kind but firm. Think now about what kind of voice you normally use with your child when you want them to do something. It should be even toned. It should not be in a brow beaten voice or in quite tone which lacks confidence. Nor should it be in a high pitched whiney voice, like, "Tina, whhhy don't you evver listen to meee? Whyyy don't you ever do whaat I tell you?" Say what you want with self-assurance. Like you expect them to do as you say. Kids will pick up on this. Some kids will push the boundaries. One boy I know told his mother he would not do as she asked because she did not ask politely. Actually she did. He just wanted an out. He has also tried to get out of doing a request by pouting, "You hurt my feeling by the way you asked so I'm not doing it." Do not fall for such traps. If you tell your child to do something politely, let them know you did. Then tell them you expect them to follow through with the request and leave it like that. Do not get in an argument about feelings. Tell them firmly, "I'm not arguing with you about this," and don't. If your child sasses you when you make a request call them on it. Do not ignore it. If they try to turn the tables on a reasonable request, like it is your problem, do not buy into it. Example: In the morning you say to your teen, "I need the car back by 4 to go the bank." Their response, "I told you I needed the car. It's your problem you didn't go to the bank yesterday." Let them know you expect to be treated with respect. Do not let your child be the puppet master in your home.

Now some parents say they are extra nice when talking their child because their child is extra sensitive. Yes, some children are extra sensitive but if you talk baby talk to a six-year-old you are acting younger than them. You are unknowingly, or not, giving them the power. Both of you should talk your age. If you set up this candy sweet tone of voice with your child early on it is going to be harder to stop later. Your child will be used to this voice. Later when you do start telling them to do things in a normal voice they might complain that you are being mean. But you are not. You are finally talking to them as the parent, not as an equal or as a baby. If you are in this baby talk predicament now do not let your child manipulate you when you stop. I know one parent who finally decided to stop requesting things from his daughter like this. She did not like it and told him she would not speak to him until he started talking nicely to her again. In times like this be cool. Calm. Collected. Tell your child you know how to talk nicely. That you are talking nicely, and that she is old enough to be talked to in a normal voice.

In conclusion, stop and listen to how you speak, and act, toward your child. Because this is what you are teaching them. If you do not want a whiney child do not whine yourself. If you want them to talk with poise and confidence do so yourself. With this article hopefully now you have gained new knowledge on How to Talk to Your Child and Teen Effectively.

Solve Problems by Writing Agreements with your Child

2011-03-10T19:48:00.000-08:00

In his Total Transformation CD's James Lehman mentions that it's a good idea to write agreements with your child about things. This is a wonderful suggestion. This way your child can't say, "Well, I thought you meant X," or "I didn't think you actually meant Z," or "I didn't know I was going to have that consequence if I didn't do such and such." By having an agreement written down there can't be any debates on the issue later. And if your child tries to argue about it just show them the agreement. If you have a child who repeatedly does not do his homework before watching TV, make him sign an agreement he'll do it or X consequence will happen. You also might consider putting a piece of paper on the TV stating "NO TV until homework is done." This will remind him. And he can't say he forgot about the rule so that's why he turned on the TV.

Reasonable Parenting, Learn about it

2011-03-06T21:17:00.000-08:00

In lesson 2 of the Total Transformation CD's I really like how James Lehman mentions that parents should be reasonable in their parenting. Lately I've written on how parents shouldn't renegotiate with their child, but they also shouldn't be so iron clad firm and unreasonable about certain things either. Such as: Your ten-year-old daughter wants to go to a sleep-over and you tell her she's not old enough. That's being unreasonable. The average ten-year-old is potty trained and doesn't suffer from overnight separation anxiety like a six-year-old might. If your ten-year-old can handle going to a sleep-over why would you be opposed to it? Are you just saying no to be in control? It's one thing to want to be in control as a parent because you care, and then there is another thing to want to be in control because you feel like it and can. If you are so controlling and unreasonable I believe your child could harbor grudges against you and become defiant. So don't say no to all play dates when you have a well behaved child. And let your child have some freedom in how they express themselves. Don't be a parent who tells their eleven-year-old daughter that she can't cut her hair because YOU like her long hair. Or that if she cuts her hair she'll look like a boy. Don't be obsessed with controlling your child's looks and what they wear.

How to Stop Renegotiating with your Child

2011-03-02T19:18:00.000-08:00

I'm still discussing what James Lehman has to say about renegotiating with your child. He talks about how tempting it is for kids to renegotiate. I've been there and done it myself as a child. So I know from experience if a parent gives in you make it easier and easier for your kids to do it again and again. If you stand firm it won't be as tempting for them to do. In the future they'll be less likely to try to renegotiate. Don't use these excuses for your renegotiating: "But it's easier to just renegotiate with my kid." "I have less tears when I do it." "I hate to deal with her screaming." "The arguing is worse if I don't do it." I believe the opposite is true. The more you renegotiate the worse it will be when you try to stick to something. The tears will flow more. The yells will be louder. The arguing will be worse. This is because your kids know from past experience you eventually give in. They'll think, "I just have to push and push until Mom finally gives in." To put an end to renegotiating you must stop doing it. Take back control. Your child should not be in the driver's seat. You're the parent. Be there yourself.

Total Transformation can help your Problem Child

2011-02-25T20:20:00.001-08:00

Total Transformation topic- Renegotiating. I concur with James Lehman that when you as a parent let your child renegotiate with you, you teach your child there are no firm boundaries. You want boundaries on agreements you make with your child. Example: If you tell your child there will be no desert if he/she doesn't eat their dinner and later give in, the child learns your no is not a firm no. You don't want your child thinking boundaries can be pushed. Another example of lax boundaries: You tell your son to walk the dog in fifteen minutes after his TV show. He agrees. The TV show ends, a new one starts and he promises that he'll walk the dog at the next commercial. That commercial comes and goes and he renegotiates saying he will absolutely walk the dog after another fifteen minutes. If you keep renegotiating with him what he'll learn is your fifteen minute boundary is flexible and does not constitute a firm boundary. I believe children need boundaries. They need to know what they can and can't do. In life there are boundaries. Even if you are a free thinking parent who believes in "no boundaries" there are still boundaries. If you drive over the speed limit you can get a ticket. A child in school can't hit another, nor can he steal from stores. If he does he gets a consequence. So teach your child the true meaning of boundaries at home where they should learn it.

Talking about Lesson Two in The Total Transformation CD's

2011-02-22T22:33:00.000-08:00

In his Total Transformation CD's James Lehman talks about how that when parents renegotiate with their child he/she learns that commitments don't matter. Oh, how true. I've seen it. Example: A parent tells their child they can only have one treat at the zoo and they won't get anymore. And if the child asks, begs or pleads for more they will be taken home. The child agrees to this. Then at the zoo after getting his treat he pleads for another because the other kids there are having popcorn or soda. The parent instead of keeping to the agreement and taking their child home, gives in to another treat and says that's will be the last, which is renegotiating. If you do this you are teaching your child that agreements with you don't matter, that the terms are not said fast. That they can change if the child makes a fuss. If you want your child to stick to an agreement with you, MAKE THEM. Don't let them renegotiate with you or you'll just keep renegotiating with them in the future. And if that frustrates you, well you taught them they could renegotiate with you.

An In-depth Look at Intentional and Unintentional Inappropriate Behavior by Children

2011-02-19T13:22:00.000-08:00

This article is about kids and intentional and unintentional inappropriate behavior. First off, parents have you ever rewarded inappropriate behavior without conscientiously thinking about it? You would not be alone if you have. Does the following situation ring a bell with you or a friend of yours who has a child? You have repeatedly told your daughter she is not to beg to go over to a friend’s house after you have said no. Presently, you now are talking to a friend. Your daughter comes up to you, bends down on one knee, and with the most pitiful eyes implores you that she needs to go over to her friend’s house because she has the latest and greatest gadget. You have already told her no twice today. But you think she looks so funny or so cute, or you do not want to be embarrassed in front of your friend, so you override your previous no. What does your child learn by this? This over the top behavior will get her what she wants. Will she do it again? Why not, it works. (The behavior was inappropriate because she purposely begged when you told her not to do this when you have already said no.) Consciously make an effort to not let your guard down and let your child get away with behavior like this. When your child grows up if their boss says X needs to be in on time no bended knee sad puppy eyed look will give them more time. It will just make them look unprofessional. It is your job as the parent to get them ready for the world at large.

Another example of a child exhibiting inappropriate behavior: Your family is seated at the dinner table and your son passes gas. You laugh it off. Some children will leave it like that and other children…will want more attention. They will try to fart again or will do something else, like make a fart noise with their armpit. If you do not want your child to make such an inappropriate noise then do not laugh when they first accidentally do it. Say something like, “Remember to say excuse me when you pass wind (gas) in front of people.” I believe it is not fair to get angry with a child if you have not given them limitations on certain behaviors. Such as, your husband likes to join in with your son in armpit (fart) wars. Your husband has never bothered to explain to the boy, just because he hasn't, situations in which he should not do this. Then one day your husband’s boss comes over and your son runs in and does an armpit fart. Your husband should not lose it and yell, “That’s inappropriate behavior!” The behavior in itself was not inappropriate, the situation was. Your husband should say, “We don’t do this in front of guests, son.” Later he should tell his son when and where he can do such behavior. I like how my own brother (even white collar workers do this) reminds his sons while they are having such fun that this is something that is not to be done in front of their mom or other guests. It would not be polite. Boy fun, like having burping contests, can do done if the child knows when and where it is okay and not okay.

Here is another scenario about an unintentional wrongdoing. You have seen, and not minded it in the past, when your child has jumped on the den couch. Now you have a new den couch and Jimmy is jumping on it. Seeing this you lose it and scream, “That’s inappropriate behavior!” Why? You never said he could not jump on the den couch before. It does not cut it to excuse your outburst by saying, “He just should have known he shouldn’t jump on the new couch!” Why though? You let him jump on the other couch. You have to actually let your child know what behavior you do NOT want and what behavior you do want. And where they can and can NOT do it. If you have already yelled at your child for this, step back, take a breath and calmly say, “I shouldn’t have yelled at you. But the new rule is no jumping on the den couch. Okay?” Make sure your child hears this. Since you now have informed him of the new rule if he does it again you are justified in reprimanding him. Hopefully by reading this article you now have more knowledge about intentional and unintentional behavioral actions by your child.

Help for a parent of a defiant child

2011-02-17T20:20:00.001-08:00

So far I think a parent of a defiant child can get some really good advice from The Total Transformation Program. In it James Lehman explains how it is not effective parenting to renegotiate with your child after your child has done something they shouldn't. I agree. Children learn by example and repetition. If you tell your child they can't have an apple until they wash their hands, but you don't keep to this, they will know you don't mean business. It's even worse when you keep repeating this type of lax parenting. You still give them allowance even though they don't do their chores. You tell them they need to call you if they're going to be late for dinner, but they don't, and you don't give them a consequence. You tell them if they hit their brother they can't have computer time. Then they hit their brother and you try giving them the consequence, but they complain and complain until you say, "Fine. I'll give you a second chance, but don't do it again." By doing these things you are showing your child they are the boss not you. They are the ones in control. By renegotiating with you they control what will happen. Kids aren't dumb.

More about Lesson 2 of the Total Transformation Program

2011-02-15T20:49:00.001-08:00

In Lesson 2 of the Total Transformation CD's James Lehman talks about parents who over negotiate. Which really means parents who renegotiate. Mr. Lehman thinks it's a bad idea. So do I. Renegotiating is a bad pattern to get into. It's like a merry-go-round. Let's say you tell your son, Mark, he's to wash the dog, then he can go out and play. He agrees. But Rover never gets a bath that day. You renegotiate and say before Mark can go out to play the next day Rover needs to first get his bath. Mark agrees. He might even mean to "sometime get to it" but he never seems to remember. But he remembers to play his video games and climb a tree. You give him more time, thus not making it important that he remembers to wash the dog. I've seen parents renegotiate countless times. It doesn’t help behavior. Case in point. When I was a library volunteer a little boy was talking loudly in the library. His mother kept telling him to stop or they would go home. His reply was, "Okay." But he kept on talking loudly. So what did his mother do? She continued saying if he kept talking loudly they would go home. But they never went home! Finally, I went up to the mother and the little boy and said he needed to be quieter. Since he knew I was serous, unlike his mother, he quieted down. The mother thanked me and said she had problems with her son. But her son wasn't the problem. The problem was she didn't keep to her word. So why should he.

Lesson 2 of the Total Transformation Program

2011-02-10T19:26:00.000-08:00

In lesson 2 of the Total Transformation Cd's James Lehman talks about something very important. He talks about how there are parents who when faced with a difficult child they keep parenting him like he is the model child. Why would a parent do this? This seems like a fruitless endeavor. And yet I've seen parents do it. Example: Let's say you have two kids, Jim and Janie. Both are to do their chores by dinnertime. Let's say Jim does his chores by dinnertime but Janie does not. She sits and watches TV. Why would you give extra time for Janie to do her chores? And what kind of example are you setting for Jim? Maybe he'll stop doing his chores by dinnertime since Janie got away with it. You shouldn't reward someone for not doing what they were supposed to do. What was Janie's reward? Extra time to do her chores.

What's Today's Total Transformation Info.

2011-02-08T21:04:00.000-08:00

In lesson 2 of the Total Transformation Cd's James Lehman says something very interesting. He says, "Parents have an ideal child in mind when they want to have a child." This is so very true. People fantasy about having kids. How fun it will be. They fantasize about taking their child to the park where they will have a good time. Taking their child to the zoo where they will have a good time. Taking a family vacation where everyone has a good time. And all the while their child will be well behaved. This is wishful thinking. But of course why would you want to fantasize that while at the park your child screams at you or that they hit you? Or that on the family vacation your kids fight with each other until you have a spitting headache? But children are not a fantasy. They are a reality. And some kids are more difficult than others. It's not their fault you fantasized that they would be well behaved. You must face reality and deal appropriately with a difficult child. Remember, your child might not be your "dream" child, but they are your child.

Be Prepared- Caretaker Emergency Phone Number List and Call Sheet

2011-02-06T18:44:00.001-08:00

If you haven't done this yet, do it today! Place all emergency phone numbers on a sheet of paper on your refrigerator or a prominent place where all can see it, like near a phone. Keep it in a fixed place. Do not let people walk off with it. Tape it in place if you must. Numbers you should list: 911 (or your country’s 911 equivalent); poison control; husband and wife’s (or your) office and cell numbers; doctor, dentist, and veterinarian numbers; a relative, close friend’s or neighbor’s phone number; your home and/or computer phone numbers; your home address.
It can be stressful when there is an emergency so write on a sheet of paper what a person should tell the operator when they call 911. Keep this sheet near the emergency phone list.

Sample of what to write for someone caring for your child:
This is (actually write, give your name). I am calling because (write, say why). It involves a child. The phone number here is (actually write it in). The address here is (again write it in). The medications they are taking are (write it in). They are allergic to (write in any medicines they are allergic to if any). Their pediatricians name is (write it in). What should I do until you get here?

Sometimes during an emergency the person on the other line will want to know your name so they can use it to calm you down. You might have more confidence in a person if they use your name. It makes it more personal. Which sentence makes you feel more like the person on the other end is on your team? "Sarah I want you to open the airways…" "Ms. I want you to open the airways…"

Buy a how-to-sheet for CPR and basic first aid. Keep it near the emergency phone numbers. Everyone living in your home should know where the emergency phone list, call sheet, and emergency CPR/First Aid chart are placed. Make sure all caretakers know where they are.
Here’s an idea, take your older child with you when you take a CPR and basic first aid class. They might not be able to get certified depending on how old they are and where you live, but at least in an emergency situation they can help you or their grandparents if need be.

Behavioral Therapist James Lehman...

2011-02-02T19:03:00.000-08:00

In lesson 1 of the Total Transformation Cd's behavioral therapist James Lehman talks about the sad story and a behavior story of children who blame others for what they have done. He explains the sad story is what happened to them, and the behavior story is what the child did to other people. I totally agree with him that parents should focus on the behavior story. Like Mr. Lehman points out, if parents focus on the sad story it will give their child more cause for why they were right about doing their inappropriate behavior. And this does not fix the problem. I have actually seen a parent coddle their child who just hit another child by saying something like, "Oh I understand. You're right, so and so shouldn't have called you that." Wake up! What you're doing is reinforcing the inappropriate behavior by excusing it. If you primary focus on the sad part "so and so shouldn't have called you that" and not behavior, the hitting response, how can you change your child's hitting problem? I have to tell you I was so impressed by Mr. Lehman's sad story/behavior story that it is something that should be taught to students studying Sociology.

What you learn in the Total Transformation Program

2011-01-29T22:05:00.000-08:00

In lesson 1 of the Total Transformation Cd's James Lehman talks about how children who act inappropriately see themselves as victims. They blame others for their actions. I've seen children do this. They blame their parents, siblings, even friends for circumstances that don't go their way. They wouldn't have yelled at or hit "Tim" if he had just done X. They give a sad tale making themselves out to be the victim. They know they won't be held responsible for their inappropriate actions if they act like a victim. But life does not revolve around this child. A child must learn to get along with others. Acting inappropriately and blaming others for their behavior should not be excused. Don't let your child act like a victim when they are in the wrong. I like what James Lehman has to say so far in lesson 1.

In Lesson 1 of the Total Transformation

2011-01-25T14:34:00.001-08:00

In Lesson 1 in the Total Transformation Cd's James Lehman discusses how children who blame others for their inappropriate actions have poor problem solving skills. That these kids feel powerless. So they solve problems by being demanding, or being manipulative, or by using threats. Mr. Lehman is right on the mark! I've seen children do this. A child might be disappointed that their parent can't take them to the park at the exact time they said. The child gets frustrated and demands their parent take them right now. If their parent says no the child might say they will yell if they don't get their way, which is a manipulative threat. Another scenario. Child 1 teases Child 2. Child 2, who has poor problem solving skills, hits Child 1 instead of telling him that isn't nice. Child 2 didn't need to hit Child 1 to solve the problem. She could have turned around and left. And told an adult what happened. Children who hit others when they are young can keep doing it into adulthood. So intervene now. Also, some parents tell their younger kids to ignore their owner siblings teasing. But if the ignoring doesn't help you need to step in. Kids shouldn't have to put up with content teasing. Plus, if you let your child get away with teasing they could do it into adulthood. And people at work won't tolerate it.

Parenting Article- Help for Bullying

2011-01-20T17:11:00.000-08:00

This is a popular topic. I rewrote this article.

Is your child inconsiderate towards others while trying to get their own way? Is your child overly pushy or aggressive towards other kids, especially those kids who don't want to do what they want to do? Then as a parent step in and have a direct talk with your child about it. Change your child's pattern of treatment towards others.

As a parent if you see your child being a bully tackle the problem straight away. Whenever you see or hear that your child threatened another in order to get their way make sure they IMMEDIATELY get a consequence. The consequence will depend on how inappropriate the behavior was. If their teacher said they were being a bully during handball again you can send your child to their room directly afterschool (they can use the bathroom first). If your child doesn't mind this consequence then give them a consequence they do mind. DO NOT make an exception to your consequence. Such as you already made their favorite dessert so you don't make this a consequence or change it when you remember that you did. Quite frankly if you do make this a consequence it will make an impression on them. That bullying doesn't pay. Be firm. If they are a bully, X happens. Teach your child that being a bully or aggressively pushy has a negative result attached. If this aggressive behavior continues then take them out of situations where they are a bully or are being annoyingly bossy. Example: Your child is in an afterschool art program and the other kids, as well as the teacher, have repeatedly complained your child is a bully. Don't shrug off this behavior thinking you paid for the program and so what. Instead take your child out of this program. Yes, you might lose money but it will help your child in the end. Your child has a right to learn how to be a kind person. A person other people like to be around. It's your job to teach them how to be that person. If your child likes the art program tell them they can go again, after awhile, if they stop bullying other kids. And if the teacher let's them back in. If your child starts bullying other kids after coming back to the program take your child out again. Also, when you see for yourself or hear it from another adult that your child is catching himself and stopping his bullying/pushy behavior, reward it. Tell him, "Nice job buddy! I like how you handled that situation appropriately. For that I'm giving you 15-20 more minutes on the computer tonight." Reward positive behavior. Then a child will be more inclined to strive for it.

Other parents in your situation: One parent told me her son was very sweet until he started associating with a new group of kids. After spending time with these kids he became belligerent and bossy, even towards his old friends. If your child suddenly becomes mean and pushy find out if they are associating with new kids or if they are suddenly having problems fitting in socially. Going from grammar school to middle school can be tough on some kids. They want to fit in, even if it means becoming quarrelsome and mean to people they previously had not been. If you notice your child's new set of friends bullying other kids then maneuver your child to a new group of friends. Enroll your child in different electives or programs so they have a chance to meet kids with kinder personalities. Another reason your child could have started being a bully is that someone else started bullying them. Your child is now taking their frustration out on another child. Watch how your child interacts with other kids starting at a young age. Is your child kind? Do they share? Or are they sassy or impolite to other kids? See for yourself what is happening. Make sure they know bullying is the wrong choice to make.

The pushy parent. This past summer I was with a friend watching her child during the child's swim lesson. As the child swam my friend asked the swim teacher a question. The teacher starting answering when another parent rudely butted in and stated she had an important issue to address, which was her child stubbornly refused to do a particular swim move. The teacher said she would be with this parent in a minute. As the teacher continued her discussion with my friend the inconsiderate parent insisted her issue was more important. She adamantly claimed it needed to be addressed right away. In actuality it didn't need to be addressed right away. I believe this parent was being aggressively pushy. I'm sure she had done this before and kept doing it because it got results. A bully might do this too. They do it to get their way. Once they don't get their way by being a bully they will curb their behavior. Remember Monkey see, Monkey do. If your child sees you or your spouse forcing your will on other adults they are more likely to do the same. Do you want your child to grow up being feared or disliked by others? Then make sure you act politely and kindly yourself. Also make sure their siblings, friends and other adults they are around act appropriately as well. Aggressively bossy behavior is not a positive social attribute. If you tend to be extremely bossy think about this: Were either of your parents aggressively pushy or overbearing when you were growing up? If they were, you might have learned this behavior from watching them.

As far as your child, do not get into the vicious cycle of letting your child repeatedly defend why they were a bully. This is a trap some parents fall into. It's nice that as parent you want to listen to your child, but make it a rule that you don't want to hear any excuses for bullying. I've seen kids try using different arguments for why they were a bully. "He wouldn't give me the ball when I asked." "She refused to get out of my way." "He knew I liked the red jelly beans." These are not reasons to scare, threaten, or intimidate others with physical harm. Do not let your child get you into a long winded discussion about why they did what they did. It was wrong. Period. You both know it. End of discussion. Later you can calmly discuss ways they could have handled the situation better. Even if you've done this before, even many times, do it again. You can add, "We've been over this before. And when I see you acting the appropriate way I will note it." If your child pouts or has a temper tantrum don't give in.

A New Year, A Better Child

2011-01-19T20:32:00.000-08:00

Lesson 1 of the Total Transformation CD's. Behavioral therapist James Lehman says obnoxious, disrespectful behavior in children is not caused by the parent saying the wrong thing to their child. Or that they expect too much from their child. In general I agree. If you let your child constantly get away with things with excuses, you are fueling their failure to take responsibility for their actions. Case in point. I knew a child who would yell and hit his parents. When the parents scolded him for this behavior he would retort, "If you just listened to me I wouldn't have to hit you." When his parents said they did listen to him he had another excuse, "You didn't listen to what I said enough." This child would always have an excuse for yelling or hitting, blaming everyone but himself. You could be the nicest parent in town and still be blamed for something by your child. I believe a child should not get away with blaming others for their inappropriate behavior. It's not okay to let a child cuss at you or hit you when you tell them they can't have something or when you tell them they have to do their homework.

My Total Transformation Review: Bonus CD

2010-12-22T18:18:00.001-08:00

In the bonus CD James Lehman says something rather interesting. Parents give speeches to their kids as a moral justification for what they want to get their kids to do. They give long winded rationalizations on the matter. I've seen parents do this. I've often wondered if parents who give speeches again and again do it because they like to hear the sound of their own voice. But as Mr. Lehman points out maybe the parents feel they should give some justification for why their child should do his chores. I could see the parent doing it once, but if the parent keeps doing it again and again you have to wonder why the patent keeps giving talks on the matter. I think it's a waste of time and breathe. Once you've told Eric he knows. After that it's just a talk on something he's already aware of. If Jane complains everyday, "Why do I have to take the dog out for a walk? He got one this morning." Take it for what it is, a complaint. You can tell Jane, "It's your job." But you don't need to give a speech everyday on how Rover needs exercise and fresh air or that he needs a walk or he'll go to the bathroom in the townhouse, etc. She knows. Don't get into a debate about it, or you could end up getting into a debate on other things she doesn't like to do. Don't waste time explaining and justifying why she should things when both of you could be doing something more productive. Like you as the parent preparing dinner or phoning the Vet. And Jane getting ready to go to soccer practice.

Parenting Article: Air Travel Tips when Flying with Kids

2010-12-14T23:31:00.000-08:00

Parents are you going on an airplane with your kids this holiday season? If so, here are ten tips to help you.

1) Think of everything the children might wear, including shoe wear, in the weather you might encounter at your destination. Make a check list of all things you should bring. Things you might need to bring: Goggles, sunscreen (remember even at snowy places you can get a face burn.) Last time I flew you could only have tiny travel size bottles. Put these bottles in plastic zip up baggies in case the contents explode due to air pressure. Also, all beverages and packages with liquidy foods, yogurt, melted cheese, had to be thrown away at the security point. Other things to bring: hair brush, toothbrush carrying cases, tooth brushes, toothpaste, folding stroller, folding crib, your child's special snuggly, special medicated skin creams, etc. You should call your local airport to find out rules for carrying liquids and creams. If you're traveling to another country find out the rules for bringing in prescription drugs to their country. Medicine might need to be in its original container. Or you might have to show officials the prescription box. Find out. You don't want your child's medicine taken away.

2) Pack early. Don't be a last minute packer. When shopping at the grocery store you might suddenly remember something you forgot to pack and need. Buy now rather at the airport where it could be much more expensive.

To keep your children occupied at the terminal and on the plane:

3) Have a variety of activities for them. Each child should have their own backpack with their own activities. This is to prevent squabbling. Think ahead. Just how many hours will it take to get to your destination? Lay-overs are hard on most children so try to avoid them. Ask each child what they would like to put in their backpack. If they like to draw, put paper, coloring books and crayons in their bag. Items you might want to pack: Exciting new book(s) and magazine(s), new book(s) on tape with tape recorder for terminal use if other passengers don't mind (if old enough, headsets), Ipod, Mad Libs, dot-dot books, cross word puzzles, mini-games, mini-puzzles, hand held electronic games, little toys, and small stuffed animals.

For late departures and lay-overs:

4) For kids who have trouble sitting still, walk with them around the terminal. Bring books to read to them, or have audio cassettes with a small tape recorder and earphones. If you plan on bringing your lap top, bring a couple of movies your children have never seen. Once at a terminal I saw four children quietly seated in front of a laptop watching a movie. I'm not sure how well they could hear the movie. But I think with animation such as cartoons the action might make up for words so these type of shows might be worth a try.

On the plane:

5) Buy special treats before getting on the plane or buy treats a week before trip starts. You can let your child pick them out or surprise them. Explain to them the trip will take X amount of hours and that every half hour they will get a jelly bean/healthy treat. This will break up the trip in half hour installments. The time might seem to go faster because they will have something to look forward to.

6) With young children you should get aisle seats for easy access. You don't want to bother other passengers by frequently having to climb over them to walk the aisle with your child. Walk the aisle, if you're allowed, so your child will get energy out.

7) Remember to rotate activities while on the plane so your child doesn't get bored.

8) With babies and toddlers some parents like to take night flights hoping their child will sleep. You can try this. If you do, you can put them in their PJ's before you board the plane. Then when you get to your hotel you won't have to wake them up to put them in their PJ's.

9) For hydration purposes if your child is awake during the flight they should drink water.

10) If your child's ears hurt when the plane is ascending and descending get them to swallow several times. Older kids can chew gum. I've heard sipping on water helps, or for babies, sucking on a bottle works. Talk to your doctor about ways to help. Lastly, you really shouldn't fly if your child has a cold because of ear problems which could occur. If you plan to fly anyway, see your doctor before hand. He/she can prescribe medicine if they think it's necessary.

Bonus CD of Total Transformation

2010-12-09T22:10:00.001-08:00

In the bonus CD James Lehman says Total Transformation is designed to transform the way a child sees his parents. And the expectations that he has of his parents. This is fantastic news if you have a child with behavior problems and/or is argumentative. You shouldn't have to keep explaining to your child day after day and night after night why you are making them do something. It's a revolving door. "Why do I have to go to bed?" they ask. They know why. You tell them every night. Stop the pattern. Questions like these are stall tactics and an excuse to debate the issue. I believe you can explain something to a child once, even twice, but after that tell them they know the reason and don't get into it. Outbursts from it are a way to get you to give in. As parents of children who consistently push the envelope you need to learn tools to deal with these sorts of issues.

How Total Transformation Jump Start can Help

2010-12-07T14:40:00.001-08:00

Today I'm discussing the Total Transformation Jump Start. In it James Lehman talks about what happens when you pretend your child doesn't have a behavior problem and parent him like he's just having an off day. He explains that the child is now driving the parenting style instead of the other way around. This could be an Ah-ha moment for some parents. If you pretend your child doesn't really have a behavior problem and mask it with excuses you are letting your child dictate how you parent them. I feel it's best to be realistic about the situation and do something about it. For you, your family, and your child. Think about this: A defiant, unruly child is usually not a happy child. Otherwise why are they being so uncooperative and unruly? They can also make life difficult for people around them. Why put up with this? Learn effective tools to help solve the problem. That's where the Total Transformation Program can help.

The Total Transformation Jump Start

2010-12-06T19:32:00.000-08:00

Tonight I am writing about Total Transformation Jump Start. In it James Lehman makes an important point. Parents need to parent the child they have. Not the child they hoped for. I want to add if you have two kids you might need two different parenting styles. If you have a child, Mark, with behavior problems and rear him EXACTLY like his brother, Doug, who doesn't have these problems, you are doing Mark a disservice. And you will get frustrated yourself. You have two different kids with two different personalities, attitudes and maybe even aptitudes. You need to learn how to correct Mark's behavior effectively. And stop correcting him as if he were Doug. To bring this on home this is a personal example. I had one brother who was low keyed who hardly ever caused my mother trouble. I had another brother with ADHD. My mother had to parent the one with ADHD differently. She loved him just as much as my other brother, but he just needed extra help and a different parenting style. In general, you could have the same basic parenting style but you just need to tweak it some depending on your kids. You might have a daughter who likes to do her homework and study. And you might have a son who hates to do his homework and is lazy about studying. Therefore, with your son you have to motivate him. You need to find out how to do this. That's where a parenting program could come in handy.

New Beginning of Total Transformation Posts

2010-12-04T11:27:00.000-08:00

Today is the beginning of a series of blogs where I give my thoughts on what James Lehman tells parents in his Total Transformation Program. In addition to this I post my own articles on parenting issues. I post about three times a week.

I will start with The Total Transformation Jump Start CD. In it James Lehman tells parents that in his Total Transformation Program he will give you skills to "parent" the child you have. Think about that. The child you have. Not the perfect child you thought about for nine months before he/she was born. Mr. Lehman says most parents expect behavior problems but they expect their child to EXCEPT the consequences of their actions. I could see this being true for first time parents who haven't really dealt with kids. But if you have dealt with children with behavior issues or already have a child with problems you could already know what you could be in for. I do believe some parents fantasy about the perfect child they will have. The problem is what if you don't get that perfect child? What if your child is disruptive, or loud and obnoxious, or has outbursts or other behavior issues? As a future parent you are doing yourself a disservice and a disservice to your future child if you live in a fantasy that your child will be perfect. Even the best of kids make mistakes and push boundaries. Be prepared for the reality of parenthood. It isn't all balloons and smiles. There's tears and frustration too. What if you have a child who is basically well behaved but has a hard time focusing? He can't focus on his homework? He day dreams at school? I believe all parents should get some sort of parenting program when they have a child. It will aid them when they have issues with child rearing. My motto: Be prepared when you have children. You'll have less frustration.

Highlights of What I Liked in The Total Transformation Program

2010-11-30T23:32:00.001-08:00

Here are highlights from what I liked from Lessons 4 through 7 in the Total Transformation Program CD's. In Lesson 4, Tools for Change, I liked that James Lehman said parents are responsible for using these parenting tools consistently, but are not responsible for the results. That their kids are responsible for the results. I believe you can teach a child something, but he has to apply it himself. In Lesson 5 I liked the discussion on minimization: How kids minimize their inappropriate behavior. I have seen children do this. They play down their inappropriate actions and try to justify it. In Lesson 6 it was interesting to hear James Lehman's Alternative Response Process. I especially thought the second step was useful. The part where parents compare their child's perceptions and thoughts and feelings with the actual facts. This way parents can identify their child's faulty thinking and point it out to them. My favorite lesson in the whole Total Transformation Program was Lesson 7, the topic on Trigger Management. I think if parents can help their child manage the trigger that ignites an emotion they are one step closer to helping their child control their behavior.

Kids trying to Control a Situation

2010-11-27T18:42:00.000-08:00

Lesson 7 of the Total Transformation Program. When listening to the Total Transformation CD's you can tell James Lehman has dealt with kids. He knows what they say to themselves when they get frustrated. When a child can't control a situation he will say things like, "Next time I'm going to tell that so and so what to do." He says things like this in order to control the situation. But when a child says things like this, over and over, it can make them angrier and angrier just thinking about it. And it does not solve the problem. This is why helping your child learn how to solve problems appropriately is important. It's fine for children to give themselves pep talks, unless it is pure fantasy. Fantasies don't solve problems. Children aren't the only ones who try to fantasy problems away. Adults do this too. They buy expensive clothes or a car they really can't afford. They go way over their monthly budget and thus have a hard time paying for food, car insurance, and rent. So they buy a lottery ticket hoping to win so they can pay off their creditors. When you try fantasizing away problems you're teaching your child to do it too.

Lesson 7 of the Total Transformation Program.

2010-11-24T13:44:00.001-08:00

James Lehman is right on the mark when he says, "Kids are not little adults. They don't have little adult perceptions. They have kid perceptions." Some parents just don't get this. They don't understand why their daughter keeps hitting her brother when he pinches her, even though she repeatedly gets a consequence for it. Or why her brother keeps pinching her when he gets a consequence. Kids don't think like adults. They think in the present. Especially wee ones. They think he hurt me now. I'm mad. So I react. You have to repeatedly teach them to think about what could happen if they do X. Think about this, little kids have a hard time understanding time. The concept of weeks or months is hard to grasp. If they have hard time understanding time why would you think they should understand more adult notions? Though Cindy hits her brother now this does not mean she'll hit him when she's twenty-one. When she's twenty-one she'll most likely have a different view on things. This is why you correct her behavior now so she'll know why it was wrong for future reference.

Concerning Lesson 7 of the Total Transformation Program

2010-11-21T17:39:00.000-08:00

What I write about tonight really hit home with me when I listened to it. Sadly, I've heard children, as well as adults, say unkind things to kids. Things like James Lehman mentions: "You're a pain in the neck." "You're always going to be a pain in the neck." But how does this help a child? It doesn't! The other child, or even adult, might be frustrated by what this child did, but I think it is unfair to say, "You're ALWAYS going to be a pain in the neck." How do they know this? And if one says things like this maybe the child will always feel he/she will be a pain in the neck. This is not good for their self esteem. And like a self fulfilling prophecy the child might act like a pain in the neck well into adulthood.

I like how James Lehman teaches kids constructive self talk. The child gives himself a pep talk. It's great how James Lehman has kids say to themselves, "I can't change the past. I'm doing the best I can. I'm going to be okay." Children can not change the past but they can try to do things better in the future. They can for example stop running through the house at break neck speed, or banging open the refrigerator door. And they can stop poking the dog in the butt with a stick because they're bored. Many kids do things like this because they're not fully THINKING about their actions. Help them, don't hurt them.

Right on Target

2010-11-20T23:28:00.000-08:00

I like how James Lehman has kids think about what they should NOT do, so as not to make things worse. Personally, I've seen kids act out and then spiral out of control to the point where they're just making things worse for themselves. It's a good idea to have a child think about what they can do to not make things worse at a time when they're calm. Then if a similar situation arises they can stop what they are doing before they make things worse. In reality kids do not like getting consequence after consequence for something they do. Sure, when they're in a bad temper they might not seem to care. But once those consequences are in place they do not like it.

Yes, There are Nice Teens Out There

2010-11-19T19:17:00.000-08:00

Yesterday evening I went to the grocery store to pick up some dog food. I got two fifty pound bags and heaved them into my cart. When I got to my car the heavy bags were stuck in my cart. I was trying to figure out how I was going to get them out and into my trunk when a teenager came up from behind me. He saw I was having trouble and lifted one bag and the other and put them in my car. After thanking him I told his mother she should be proud she had such a thoughtful son. She replied, "I am. I taught him well. I'm proud of him." Here are two points to made- 1) We teach kids values and niceties. We do it through our example. (2) A teen is not too old to be praised. When you give honest praise it is valued. Even if a teen shrugs it off, he or she still likes it.

Parenting Article- Money Management for Kids

2010-11-15T22:19:00.001-08:00

Teach Your Children How to Manage their Money Efficiently.

Teach your kids how to manage their money. If your child gets an allowance have them split it into two to four piles. Get some containers. Plastic food containers or clean cottage cheese containers work well. One container will be for Things I Want Now. Such as a video game rental. Snacks from vending machines. Candy from a candy store. A comic book. The second container is for Things To Save For. Such as a computer game. Bike. Toy. The third container can be for Gifts. This will enable your child to save for holiday presents and gifts for Mother's Day, Father's Day, and their sister's birthday. The fourth container can be for Charity. You can match this money with your own if you desire. Have your child pick an organization they feel is worthwhile, like the Red Cross or the Humane Society. Or they can give money to their local veterinarian for any pet owners who do not have enough money to help their sick pet. Now label the containers. You can write on masking tape. Tape labels on lid or side. The side is better if you plan to stack containers.

Now you might be asking yourself how should the money in the containers be split up? This is how you can do it. Let us say your child gets two dollars a week for doing chores. (Note: I do not believe in giving free allowance to kids. They will never truly know the value of a dollar until they have to earn it.) Talk to your child about how they want to divvy up their allowance. Maybe seventy-five cents for Spend Now. Fifty cents for Save For. Fifty cents for Gifts. And twenty-five cents for Charity. Down the line some kids might take from one container and put it into another container. If this happens do not freak out. #1, they are kids. #2, it is their money which they have earned. But if you see this happening you should point out they will not have money for gifts and charity later if they keep on taking from Spend Now. Some kids might not care. Some kids might say they will give back to their charity and gifts containers next month. Wait to see if they do. If they do not, this blasé attitude about where money goes could blow over when they are older, or it might mean they will end up as individuals who take from Paul to pay Peter.
If so you can console yourself by knowing you tried to teach them money management when they were younger. But do help an older child by showing them how to organize their money. Give them a little handheld notebook. Have them write down how much money is in each container. Every time they take money out they are to deduct it. They should have a sum total of how much is in the container. If your child goes along with this money management system, this holiday season they will have pocket money for gifts, have saved for a bike, and enjoyed the little things in life like candy and a comic book.

Reasons to open a savings account for your child: #1, you can do this for kids who want to save money but find it too temping to have containers around with money they can not spend right away. Since banks do not separate your money into sections for Gifts, Charity, and Save For, do it yourself. Once again give your child a small notebook and have them write down deposits and withdrawals. #2, having a savings account teaches your child about saving. You don't your want your child to spend, spend, spend and never save for a rainy day.

Here's another idea. If you want, you can talk to your child's teacher about having a Money Awareness Month. The idea behind this is to teach kids how to budget properly. Some schools do this in the fifth grade. Each student is given a fake credit card, plus pretend money (from their pretend job). They are given money every week for four weeks. Once a week students go around classrooms pretending to buy groceries, shoes, household gadgets and other such items from other students. Kids are shown pictures of clothes, food, gifts… and asked, "Would you like this?" If they say yes, fake cash is taken or a credit card slip is written up. Students also must use their pretend money for rent, utilities, car insurance and car loans. After a month it comes down to could they balance their budget? Could they pay off their credit card bill? Or did they get themselves in debt? This is a fun way to learn about money management.

My Total Transformation Review

2010-11-10T09:57:00.001-08:00

I'm discussing Lesson 7 in the Total Transformation Program. I like how James Lehman has kids think about what can they do to make their problem better, and what can they do after they messed up. I know a parent who solves problems this way. Example: Her child will be playing a board game with the family. If he gets upset that things aren't going his way he'll start saying mean things like, "I hate you! You're stupid! I'm never playing with you again!" His mom will stay calm during the outburst. She does not shout at him. She says, "Think about what you're saying. You really don't hate us. And none of us are stupid. You just aren't happy with the way the game is going. I can't stop you from feeling unhappy, but if you act on that emotion and say mean things to us we won't want to play with you. You like playing with us so saying you're never going to play with us again is not hurting us. But it will hurt you since you like playing this game." Once her son calms down she asks him how he can make things better for the players. He usually apologizes, saying, "I'm sorry. I'll try being a better sport." Or, "I didn't mean what I said to you earlier. I just wished I was winning." This mother also teaches her son good sportsmanship. She sometimes has him shake hands with the other players after a game while saying, "Good game." As a parent it is your job to teach your child core values and how to behavior appropriately. It is up to them to follow through with it.

My Total Transformation Review

2010-11-07T10:10:00.000-08:00

I'm discussing Lesson 7 in the Total Transformation Program. James Lehman teaches children to talk to themselves constructively. Which means they need to think about:
If I act off my impulses what do I stand to lose?
What can I gain if I do as I'm told?
I believe thinking about things like this can a help your child. But you don't want to over do it. You don't want your child to think they can gain a hundred dollars if they do as they're told. What you want from them is to think about the positives things that can occur if they do not act out. And the consequences if they do. I've found that with some children you repeatedly have to remind them to stop and rethink a situation. You have to remind them not to act on a negative impulse or they'll get a consequence. You should also tell them if they can stop before they do an inappropriate behavior they will be rewarded in some way. (They get to put 5 marbles in a candy jar, and when it gets to the top they get X.)

Help with Pronouncing Letters

2010-11-06T14:40:00.000-07:00

Parenting Tip for Children who have Trouble Pronouncing Certain Letters.

Whatever language or languages your child speaks here's a simple tip to help them with the letters they are having trouble with. Make a game of the following and practice for shorts periods of time, like five minutes or less. Practice at a time they aren't being rushed. You can practice in the car on the way to ballet or soccer practice. Try to do this four to five times a week. After a month review if doing this has made a difference.

Have your child make up two to three funny sentences with the first letter of the letter they are having trouble with. Example the letter S: Six Silly Sailors Sailed a Snail shaped Sailboat.
Example for the letter R: Robert Roberts Rode his Red Riverboat through the Rocky Riverbed.
If your child has trouble remembering the sentence while concentrating on their pronunciation then shorten it.
Example: Robert Roberts Rode his Red Riverboat.
Note not every word has to start with R.
Have your child say the sentence slowly a couple of times, concentrating on the first letter.
Next they can say the sentence faster. For more fun they can try saying it real fast.
Sentences don't have to make sense.
If you need help finding words starting with a certain letter, grab a dictionary or use the one on your computer (Word document).
Help make the sentences amusing so your child will enjoy doing this!

My Total Transformation Review

2010-11-05T22:43:00.001-07:00

What you learn in Lesson 7 in the Total Transformation Program: Thoughts create and manage emotions. And TRIGGER emotions. It's so simple yet profound. In order to help your child you have to teach them not to get so caught up with their thoughts. Thoughts which could be exaggerated in one form or another.
What child says: "I thought you would leave me forever."
"I thought he was the worst person I ever met because he kicked me."
"I thought my brother was the meanest bully ever because he took my doll."
"I hate her more than anyone so that's why I bite her."
Strong thoughts can create strong emotions. Which in turn can lead to overreaction. If you can manage the thoughts you can help control the emotions.
What parent can say to child: "Your brother is not the meanest bully ever. He can be nice to you. He helps you do your homework, he takes you to the park…"
Work on faulty thoughts so when a trigger is pulled the emotions won't be as intense. This in turn will help your child start curbing their inappropriate behavior.

2010-11-04T22:59:00.000-07:00

Tell your child today two things you like about them.

My Total Transformation Review

2010-11-03T18:10:00.001-07:00

Lesson 7, How to Stop it Before it Starts, in the Total Transformation Program CD's. I really like the information I've listened to so far in Lesson 7. I like what James Lehman has to say about Trigger Management. Recap of last post: I agreed with James Lehman that parents should help their child control the "trigger" which sets off undesirable emotions like anger and frustration. If you can manage it then there might not be an undesirable action that follows. For myself when I've been around children who have a hard time controlling their behavior they seem to have many triggers, for various reasons, not just one. (They don't like being told no. They don't like it when they have to come home from a play date. They insist they must only use their favorite toothpaste. They don't like what's for dinner…) These children have a hard time controlling various emotions. They feel things strongly and thus when something gets triggered in their mind it provokes strong emotions. Example: Cindy is eating her cereal. Her brother for a joke flicks a piece of cereal, from his bowl, at her. This action triggers strong emotions in Cindy. She's angry it happened today as well as yesterday. She's upset that now she has a bit of milk on her shirt. And because of this she overacts. Maybe she hits her brother or throws her whole bowl of cereal at him. Now if the roles where reversed maybe her brother, who does not feel things so deeply, would have just laughed the whole thing off. But you can't ask Cindy to be like her brother. But what you can do is help Cindy manage her trigger so her emotions won't overwhelm her to the point where she overreacts.

My Total Transformation Review

2010-11-02T18:14:00.000-07:00

This is useful information so please read it.

In lesson 7 of the Total Transformation Program James Lehman says something very interesting, "When people talk about anger management what they really mean is trigger management." This is so true. Mr. Lehman goes on to say that trigger management is helping your child manage the trigger that sets off an inappropriate emotional reaction. Think about that. If you can manage the trigger the outburst that follows might not be as bad. Yes, it might take time to help your child accomplish this, but it's a worthwhile endeavor. Now think back to when your child hit someone. What triggered it? If you can find out what triggered it you're on your way to helping your child. When their trigger was pulled did it set off an emotion of anger? Frustration? Or some other another emotion, like sadness? Let us examine this example: Tony is quietly playing on the floor with his stuffed animals. His sister trips over his stuffed animal and it is knocked away. Tony doesn't like this so he hits his sister. Have you ever heard the expression, "He has a hair trigger temper?" When the stuff animal fell it triggered an emotional outburst from Tony. First frustration, then anger. Tony was frustrated the toy he set up nicely was pushed over and this in turn made him angry. Tony needs to learn to manage the trigger that set off his emotions. If he doesn't he will keep acting out.

My Total Transformation Review

2010-11-01T19:00:00.001-07:00

In lesson number six of the Total Transformation Program: You'll find out why in the alternative response process you want to hear your child's version of what occurred. It's because you want to compare it to what actually occurred. If your child's version does not match up to what you saw you then tell them that their thinking is faulty. Once they see their way of thinking is slanted you can help them fix it. Example- Your child says, "I was watching TV, eating popcorn, when out of nowhere Lilly slammed into me and hit me for no reason. As I fell back I scratched Lilly, slightly, with my nail. It was an accident." What you saw: Two girls on the couch in a cat fight over a bowl of popcorn. You should make a child accountable for their actions. But how can if their version of what happened is skewed? This is why I think you should let a child tell you what happened first before you correct them. By doing so you can help them see how their perception of what occurred is not quite true or just plain false. You do not want your child to think they dealt with a problem appropriately if they didn't. Teach your child how to deal with problems correctly. But in order to do this sometimes they must see what they did wrong in the first place. This is why I like James Lehman's alternative response process.

Happy Halloween!

2010-10-31T10:15:00.001-07:00

Make sure if you are giving the neighborhood kids treats you have adequate lighting to your porch. Make sure sidewalk and pathway to porch is free of toys, doggy doo, fallen sticks, and wet leaves. Kids can slip on wet leaves. Remember they could be wearing costumes that might be too long or wearing heeled Cinderella shoes. If they are concentrating on their dress from dragging or keeping on a shoe they might not be looking where they are going.

My Total Transformation Review

2010-10-30T21:34:00.001-07:00

In lesson number six of the Total Transformation Program James Lehman says a teacher's account on a matter should be believed. I agree. I don't believe teachers go around making up stories just to make a child look bad. If a child disrupts a class they should be held accountable. There needs to be order in the classroom. With thirty to forty kids in class a child just can't jump up and run around the class during math. I know a few teachers. They are caring and take their jobs seriously. If your child complains that their teacher picks on them, talk with the teacher to find out what is going on. Remember you're only hearing your child's side of the story when they complain. Do believe the teacher if they say, "Bobby pulled Suzy's pigtail again and made her cry." Why would a teacher make this up? And this isn't nice for Suzy. Unless you have absolute proof otherwise, believe teachers. Do not be the kind of parent who out of embarrassment justifies their child's inappropriate behavior. Do not complain to your spouse, "Mr. Sanders has it in for poor Bobby. Suzy should just stop wearing pigtails. She knows Bobby likes pulling them." If you do this your child is learning from YOU how to justify inappropriate behavior. Suzy has every right to wear pigtails. You can empathize with your son that it is hard to resist pulling pigtails, but resist he must. Talk to his teacher about ways to combat the problem. Maybe give your son a squishy ball to put in his pocket. Have him squeeze it every time he has the urge to pull Suzy's hair or poke his table partner with his pencil.

My Total Transformation Review

2010-10-29T20:24:00.000-07:00

Lesson six of the Total Transformation Program. I'm now writing about the second step in the alternative response process. The second step is to confront your child about what you saw going on. James Lehman explains confronting is not yelling. Nor is it using hostility in any way. I am glad he points this out. If you see your daughter smacking her brother with a broom while he is stomping on her foot, it is natural to want to angrily blurt, "What are you two doing?!" But don't. You don't want to correct your children by yelling at them. This puts them in a defense mode. And fast thinking blaming on their part could occur. Do this: Take the broom away. Then ask your daughter as calmly as you can why she hit her brother. Give her a chance to explain. Let her have four to five sentences to give her side of the story, no matter how faulty it sounds. Example of her explanation: "I had the broom first. I was playing horse with it. Then out of nowhere Tom tries stealing my horse. So I accidentally touched him with it. Then he stomped on my foot, hard." If this is her version of what happened you say, "Crystal, you did not accidentally touch him. You smacked him with the broom. I saw this. Do not blame your brother for smacking him. You know the rule in our house. No hitting." If she starts giving excuses you can say, "Crystal, I do not want to hear excuses. I will deal with your brother after you." And do. But do not let Crystal be there to put in her two cents on the matter concerning Tom.

My Total Transformation Review

2010-10-28T17:28:00.001-07:00

Today's post is especially informative for parents.
Lesson 6 of The Total Transformation CD's: Continuing with the first step in the alternative response process, which is investigating what your child saw going on. I agree with James Lehman when he says have your child focus on the facts not on their feelings. This is for two reasons. First, you want to know what occurred. And feelings can get in the way of facts. Example: I have heard children say things like, "I only took the book from him because I was mad he hit me. If he didn't make me mad I wouldn't have hit him. It's his fault this happened. He made me mad." The child is so wrapped up about being mad that the facts get slanted. Fact: John hit Tim because Tim wouldn't give him his book. That's all you need to know to solve the problem. I've noticed the more a child focuses on their feelings the longer the story gets and the more of a sob story it becomes. Which brings us to reason two for focusing on facts. You want your child to stop rationalizing away his inappropriate behavior. In this scenario John is using his feeling of being mad as an excuse for inappropriate behavior. It's not right he hit his brother just because he was mad. There is no excuse for hitting his brother about a book. Period.

My Total Transformation Review

2010-10-27T21:44:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I wrote about the first step in the alternative response process. Which is to investigate what occurred. It is very tempting to argue with a child about what they did, especially when their story is so off base. But like James Lehman says you should not argue with them about it. This will not solve the problem. And tempers could rise. Have them keep their story short, sticking only to the facts. They should not go off on tangents or start blaming others. If they start doing this you can say, "John, keep to the basic facts." You can SOLVE a problem quicker if you find out what the main points are as briefly as possible. Try this: Tell your child they can have five sentences to explain what happened. This will make them think about what really occurred. Some kids will talk your ear off just to keep from having to take responsibility for their actions.

My Total Transformation Review

2010-10-26T23:39:00.000-07:00

Lesson 6 of The Total Transformation Program: The first step in the alternative response process. In it James Lehman says to investigate what actually happened. Smart move. I have seen some parents skip this step. They go straight to, "I told you not to do that!" You need to learn what happened in order to solve a problem. If you discover what happened you can find out why it became a problem. Uncover the facts. Even if your child's version of the story is not in step with all the facts. At least you'll know where to go with the facts they give. Let us say you come home and to your horror you see the dog has a new hair cut. And it's not a pretty one. So you ask, "Sarah, what happened here? The dog has very little fur. And the bathroom is all wet." She says, "Well, I was minding my own business when the dog came up to me and wanted to play. And you did say play with the dog before you left. So anyway the dog got the glue and somehow it got in his fur. I'm not sure how the bathroom got wet. But the dog's fur was gross. I didn't want to cut his coat but suddenly that's what happened. He kept moving while I was trying to get the glue out so that's why his cut is uneven." Her facts are lacking precise clarity to say the least. But at least you now know how she sees how the events unfolded. That's a step in the right direction.

My Total Transformation Review

2010-10-25T22:37:00.000-07:00

In Lesson 6 of The Total Transformation Program: What to do after your child acts out. James Lehman talks about his alternative response process. He says it's a method to help kids solve their problems. It's an alternative to yelling and dealing with problems like the parent currently has been doing. This is a smart idea. I have seen parents handle problems the same way over and over, even though it does not work. Example: Child will not do their homework when asked. In frustration their parent yells at them. The child whines. The parent yells some more. The child stomps to their room. This frustrates the parent even more so they dole out an unrealistic consequence (which is a consequences that is too severe or for too many days). Embittered, the child finally does their homework, sloppily, right before going to bed. This daily homework battle is exhausting for everyone concerned. Using a different approach, like alternative response process, could help.

My Total Transformation Review

2010-10-24T19:08:00.000-07:00

Lesson 5 in his Total Transformation Program James Lehman brings up how you should jog your child's memory about the displeasure of getting a consequence. Especially if they tend to forget. This is a good idea. If your child forgets how it felt they are more likely to do their inappropriate behavior again. Also, don't let your child minimize a consequence, or that it was no big deal. If they down play a consequence they will not see how their behavior can lead them into trouble. The consequence should leave an impact so your child will stop their inappropriate behavior. Thus, remind your child how it felt when they got a particular consequence.

My Total Transformation Review

2010-10-23T18:37:00.001-07:00

Lesson 5 in his Total Transformation Program James Lehman tells parents not to let their kids minimize consequences. Kudos to Mr. Lehman. Don't let your child kid themself into believing that they don't care about the consequence you're giving them. Let's say you give your son Kenny a consequence of no TV for tonight. Angry about it Kenny snaps, "I don't care! I didn't want to watch T.V. anyhow!" But you as the parent know better. His favorite show is on later. I believe children make statements like Kenny's as a power play and to make themselves feel better. As a parent don't buy into Kenny's outburst. Don't get upset and say, "Fine. Since you don't care about watching TV then you won't mind not watching it for three nights." If you say this you're only doing it to get back at Kenny. Instead tell Kenny, "I know you like watching TV and I know your favorite program is on tonight. Last time you couldn't watch this program due to inappropriate behavior you were upset. So hopefully you won't do X again and you'll be able to watch it next week." Note: Do not record the show for him so he can watch it later! This undermines the consequence.

Parenting Article

2010-10-22T21:32:00.000-07:00

Risky Behavior in Movies, TV and Cartoons. How Does it Affect Kids?

When I was a preteen I had a relative, under the age of eighteen, who told me a story about a child who seemed to have trouble distinguishing between real and pretend. The child she said watched a TV show about a superhero that could fly. One day he got on a roof and tried to fly with only a cape and fell to the ground. In her version the child really did think after watching the TV show he would be able to fly. I thought the child knew the danger but was PLAYING, just acting out a scene. Her story seemed like an urban legend to me because certain questions never got answered. Was it a low hanging roof or a second story house this child leaped from? Was the age of the child three, six or nine? Did he often have poor judgment or lack common sense? And why would you have to jump off a building to fly? Why not just hop off the ground to see if you could do it? Would this child have done the same thing if someone just read him a story about a flying superhero? And why was this child on the roof in the first place? How did he get up there? If my mom saw me moving a ladder to the roof she would have said, "Just what in tar nation are you doing!?"

This same relative was also positive her brother believed in Santa Clause until he was at least ten. I kept telling her by that late in age he probably just said he believed in Santa for the gifts. I stopped believing in Santa for sure by eight. By seven I was doubtful. At six I might have believed in him, but not the part about him flying off the roof with his reindeer and sled. Call it self preservation but even if Santa said jump or no presents I would not have done it. Even if he said, "Believe" I would not have gotten in that sled with him. Unless it had a jet pack. Today as an adult I have a nephew who at age three to five liked to dress up like Peter Pan. As far as I know he never had a desire to leap off a balcony or a roof in order to fly. And as a child of eleven I could see myself at six and seven. And I could not see myself leaping off a building. Why would I think I could fly? No one I knew could fly. Then again no one I knew liked to leap off buildings. And I knew superheroes were not real. Cartoon or not. I understood the concept of pretend.

I do believe people's brains work differently. I had no desire of play acting a part and jumping off anything higher than a stool as a kid. Where my brain would give me major warning signals if I got near a cliff's edge, another kid might have not have such bold warnings signs going off in their mind. Or they choose to ignore them. They perceive situations different than me. It is no different for adults. I have no desire to ever bungee jump or leap out of an airplane with a parachute. Other people love doing this. I asked one woman why. She said she loved the thrill of it. With some people they see a situation which looks enticing. This gives them an idea. Then they do something that is not the smartness move to make. Such as jumping from a third floor balcony into a swimming pool. They ignore the danger. They fail to really consider what could happen if they miss the swimming pool. I would never make such a jump. But in college I knew a student who said he did such a thing. He stated he thought it would be a fun thing to do. The fun factor outweighed the risk factor in his mind. Some children make faulty discussions based on this too. They can not gauge dangerous situations correctly. As a parent you need to help them understand dangers and risks.

The following is a sad story so skip it if you want. When I was a nanny I went to someone's house which was architecturally beautiful. I told the owner this. She thanked me but then informed me she had her house blessed. I asked why. She said unfortunately there was a little autistic boy who lived with his alcoholic mother in the house at some point. The little boy was very agile and could climb like monkey (no offense). He could easily climb up the roof and would jump from the roof to tree limbs to the dividing fence. He also liked to sneak in the neighbor's swimming pool. One day the boy was found drown in the neighbor's pool which was close to the fence. It was thought he fell from the fence. Whether he slipped from the fence or hit his head trying to jump into the pool from the fence I do not know. The point is some children need constant supervision. Some children have a difficult time comprehending dangerous situations, whether they watch movies and cartoons or not. This is why as a parent you should keep hazardous and poisonous materials up and away from young children. They do not realize the threat they are exposing themselves to if they get into it.

I have seen two-year-olds at the park. Some do not like to go on the high play equipment. Others do. A child might leap off something if they do not understand the risk or danger, but also because they do not understand the reason for pain. If put your hand too close to the fire and got burned the physical pain that follows is a way of telling you, "Hey that hurt. Do not do that again." I had a parent tell me once her son jumped off a swing twice and both times broke his arm. She thought after the first time he would not do it again. But he did. She was not sure if her son forgot how bad the pain was the first time or did not think it would happen again. If you have a child who is unusually wild, does not think before they leap, or does not understand consequences for actions, like if I do this I could end up hurt, then keep an eye on them as best as you can. And monitor what they watch, not only on TV, but with video and computer games as well. Do not let programs give them ideas. And do not have loaded guns in the house. A two-year-old does not understand the danger. And if a six-year-old never saw a gun before he/she might not understand the risk. Plus, kids are curious. A nine-year-old might know the danger of a really interesting ancient military knife or a gun but they might want to look at it anyway. Even if they have to sneak through drawers and find the key to the gun cabinet so they can show a friend their dad's cool gun. And that is where the danger lies.

My Total Transformation Review

2010-10-21T21:32:00.000-07:00

In Lesson 5 of the Total Transformation Program James Lehman discusses minimization: How kids minimize their inappropriate behavior. I for one have seen kids do this. They minimize what they have done as an excuse. They try to justify to you and themselves why they did what they did. "I only hit her because she wouldn't get off the computer when her time was up." "I only hit him in self defense. He made a mean joke about me and the other kids laughed." "Big deal, so cussed at her. It's not like I hit her." "I wouldn't have taken the remote away from him if he gave it to me like I asked." All these statements are defending inappropriate behavior. The child who says them is trying to minimize the wrong done. Don't buy into it. Let's say you said to your child, "Would you like it if I cussed at you and grabbed the remote control away?" Your child would probably say no and maybe add, "But you know better, you're an adult." Doesn't matter. Don't let your child rationalize away their wrong behavior. Call them on it. Also, Monkey See, Monkey Do. If you don't want your child to cuss or push, don't do it yourself or let an older sibling get away with it. Same goes for yelling. When you are well mannered you set an example for your child.

My Total Transformation Review

2010-10-20T20:07:00.001-07:00

Lesson 5 in his Total Transformation Program James Lehman talks about something kids unfortunately do when it would serve them better if they refrained from doing it. They focus on only one, or a few words, a parent or caregiver is saying and not everything. I've seen kids who when they're being corrected get caught up with only one aspect of what they are being told. By not listening to everything they miss the larger picture. If they get fixated on only one or two words they aren't getting the real meaning of what you are trying to explain. Kids will hear what they want to hear. Some kids more than others. You could repeat what you are saying but when it goes in one ear and out the other it can be frustrating. When this happens instead of getting angry take a deep breathe in, then out. Then have your child do the same. Tell them not to interrupt you as you speak and to really listen to ALL you are saying. Not just the one or two words they are hearing. If this doesn't work, have them go calm down in their room. Then talk to them again about the issue later. This is to break their pattern of thinking which at the moment is focusing in on only one or two words. If you revisit the issue afresh you might have a better time with them listening to at least MORE of what you are telling them.

My Total Transformation Review

2010-10-19T22:37:00.000-07:00

In Lesson 5 in his Total Transformation Program James Lehman talks about over generalizing. How children think if something happens once it should happen all the time. I personally have had kids do this with me. If you have dealt with kids I'm sure you might have heard something like this one time or other, "But you let me __________ (fill in the blank) yesterday, why can't I do it today?" In reality this was an exception you made, but now it seems the child is trying to make it the standard. To avoid this make sure before any exception to the norm you tell your child that this is an exception and it's NOT going to start being a usual occurrence.

My Total Transformation Review

2010-10-18T21:30:00.000-07:00

In Lesson 5 of his Total Transformation Cd's James Lehman talks about Hypodermic focus. Which is really focusing in on, or OVER emphasizing, one detail. For example, parents focusing in on wanting their children to look at them as they talk. Mr. Lehman explains if parents get fixated on this then what is said will be lost over their annoyance about it. I agree. However, I also believe when you correct your child you should generally have eye contact. This way you have a better chance of your child actually paying attention to you. This is especially true with a child with ADHD because their mind can wander. But if your child is looking down because he is embarrassed he could still be listening to you. So eye contact is good, but you can't make it the be all and end all. Over all though, I agree with Mr. Lehman about not over emphasizing one detail. If you get caught up with it you might lose your cool. And what you're initially correcting your child about will have less of an impact.

My Total Transformation Review

2010-10-17T22:30:00.001-07:00

In his Total Transformation Lesson 4, James Lehman makes a comment that when you're correcting your child you should demand what you want and walk away. Note the when you are CORRECTING your child part. This is sage advice. By telling your child what you want and then by leaving you are basically saying in a nonverbal manner, I don't want to hear any excuses or explanations about why you did what you did. In ordinary circumstances you might not have to do this. But when you are correcting your child it's something you should try. Over time you should notice that the arguing will lessen. I've seen parents with children with oppositional defiant disorder do this. It's a smart move. If you stay and talk more you could be in for a heated argument. No matter what logical reason you have for correcting them, no matter how much sense it makes, a child who wants to argue about it will. Why get into a verbal debate about it? Why go through the frustration? Don't do it, for yourself and your child. You'll both just get more wound up. You can even try the "state what you want and leave" suggestion if your child argues with you about going to bed, doing homework, or washing hands before dinner. When it's time for homework, it's time for homework. Your child should not challenge your sound judgment. They need to do their homework because that is what is expected of them by their teacher. They need to do it at X time because that will give them enough time to get it done. But if you go into your reasons for it your child might waste time arguing about doing their homework when they could already be working on it. Think about your day with your child. How much time do you spend arguing with them about doing things? That is time wasted. Just tell your child what you want and don't wait for their opinions. Turn your attention to something else or leave.

My Total Transformation Review

2010-10-16T18:55:00.000-07:00

I totally agree with James Lehman that when your child is agitated this is the time to bring down the tone of your voice and to be firm and direct. I've seen parents do the opposite and the outcome was disastrous, from power struggles to major arguing to unneeded frustration. You're the adult you need to keep calm. A calm person is not only more in control mentally, but they also look more in control. I believe when you fly off the handle your child will feel even more justified in their opinion. I know it can be hard when your child does something you repeatedly told them not to do. But losing your temper is not going to help the situation. When your child yells at you, the best thing to do is to firmly tell them what you expect and leave it like that. When a child/teen is acting out of control, yelling at them on how you expect them to talk can be like throwing fuel on the fire. Don't give your child any opportunity to cuss at you or make things worse. When you both have calmed down you can tell them they need to talk to you more respectfully. They will be more receptive to the idea then. Make sure your partner backs you up that your child needs to speak to you respectfully. I would like to add that if you frequently bicker with your child, it is my view that they will start dealing with you as an equal, like a friend at school. You're not a friend, you're the parent. Take a stand.

My Total Transformation Review

2010-10-15T21:53:00.000-07:00

James Lehman is right on the mark saying parents should use direct statements, which are firm and clear, to get their child to do something. Or to have them stop something. When you use direct statements that clearly state what you expect there isn't any room for the excuse of vagueness. Don't make the mistake of using ambiguity when you inform your child what you want. You don't want an example like this to come back to you later: "Oh you meant that? I didn't know."
When you clearly state expectations your child will less likely be able to make sound arguments about what you meant. Plus, they will know you mean business. Let's say you usually say, "Cindy, can you clean up your room?" This is a mistake because you're asking a question, not making a statement. Why are you asking your daughter if she can clean up her room? You should state it as if you expect it to happen. Not as if she has a say in the matter. Leave no room for why she didn't clean up her room later. You should also give a time for the action to be accomplished by. Otherwise a smart kid will say, "You didn't tell me when it had to be done by. I'll do it tomorrow." If you argue, "But you knew I meant to do it now," you're just getting in a discussion about it. Which you don't want. Be clear and concise the first time around about what you expect. "Cindy, I want you to clean your room by 5 o'clock today."

My Total Transformation Review

2010-10-14T22:54:00.000-07:00

I'm glad James Lehman in his Total Transformation CD's takes the position that actual self defense is not abuse. But remember: Don't let your child or teen give you a distorted justification of self defense. Example: Cindy cusses at her sister Lucy. Angry, Lucy scratches Cindy on the face, drawing blood. Lucy's reaction was not self defense. Cindy never physically touched Lucy. True, Cindy shouldn't have cussed at her sister, but Lucy over reacted. Even if Cindy slapped Lucy's arm, if Lucy pokes Cindy in the eye with a pencil this is not self defense. Cindy could have walked away. She did not need to be physical back. I agree with James Lehman that over reaction is abuse. It is not self defense. The best house rule is, "No verbal or physical abuse in our home. There is no excuse for it."

My Total Transformation Review

2010-10-13T15:24:00.001-07:00

James Lehman makes it a point in his Total Transformation CD's to tell parents there is no excuse for abuse. He says this is an important concept. I agree. Do not let your child or teen intimidate you or excuse their behavior if they bite, slap or hit you. Physical abuse is wrong. Verbal abuse is just plain rude. Your child is trying to undermine you by doing either. As long as they live in your house your child and teen are not equals with you. They need to abide by your rules. One rule should be, "No abuse in this house." Your child or teen needs to treat you and others (family members, friends…) with respect. This is common courtesy. Do not let your child give you the run around with excuses such as, "If you sewed my shirt right I wouldn't have cussed at you." Or your seven-year-old saying he only hit you because you took away his toy. You can't stop someone from feeling upset, but they need to control their behavior. Stand by your "No excuse for abuse" rule.

My Total Transformation Review

2010-10-12T21:06:00.000-07:00

James Lehman in his Total Transformation Lesson #4 CD talks about tools for change. He says parents are responsible for using these tools consistently, but are not responsible for the results. Their kids are responsible for the results. I think this is a very important fact for parents to remember. Some parents get frustrated because their kids aren't changing fast enough. But YOU can't force change or results. Changing is your child's job. They have to work at it. Your job is to make sure you use the parenting tools James Lehman gives you in a consistent manner. If you use them only intermediately you won't get the desired results. You have to CONSTANTLY use them. This is very important. If you slack off in your parenting tools your child won't take what you say seriously. They will push and try to out maneuver you to get you to stop. But you shouldn't if you want to see change. Change can take time. If you use the tools day after day I believe you will see a change. Try this: Make a chart when you begin the parenting program. Put down any behavior problems that your child has, and how often they occur. Revisit this chart in a month. Is there ANY change in their behavior? Revisit the chart in another month to see if you see any change or hopefully more change in the right direction. If you are consistent with the tools after enough time you should see a positive change.

My Total Transformation Review

2010-10-11T20:11:00.000-07:00

Tonight I am going to highlight some of my favorite topics that I listened to from The Total Transformation Program CD's from Lesson 1 to 3. In Lesson 1, I liked how James Lehman said children who blame others for their inappropriate actions have poor problem solving skills. I believe this is true. I also liked how he pointed out children who act inappropriately see themselves as victims. I personally have seen this. In Lesson 2, it was great how he covered the topic of renegotiation. And how this is very tempting for kids to do. In Lesson 3, I think it was terrific he covered accountability. "This is how I'm going to talk to you" and "this is how you have to talk to me." The most interesting topic I felt was in Lesson 3 where James Lehman says that kids can't feel their way to better behavior, but they can behave their way to better feelings.

My Total Transformation Review

2010-10-10T22:46:00.001-07:00

Last time I wrote I covered how James Lehman says parents should give their children responsible love and concern. He also points out something very interesting, "I think unconditional love is part of the emotionalism of our culture in which people get stuck and bound up with their kids acting out because the kid isn't learning the skills." Don't use unconditional love as a way for excusing why you covered up a lie your child told, or why you don't discipline them, or why you don't follow through with consequences. You might love your child unconditionally, but you still need to teach them to behave correctly. If you love them you would want them to be liked by others. If your child hits others and isn't liked for doing this, help them change their behavior. Don't excuse it. Don't give them cookies because you feel bad other kids don't like their behavior. Instead teach them how to get along with others. Find proper ways, actual actions they can use to solve problems. Saying you love them unconditionally is not enough. Love equals concern. If you're concerned then actively get involved in helping your child solve issues. That's why I like the Total Transformation parenting program. Because it's proactive.

My Total Transformation Review

2010-10-09T21:15:00.001-07:00

My Total Transformation Review

2010-10-08T22:10:00.001-07:00

My Total Transformation Review

2010-10-07T21:58:00.000-07:00

My Total Transformation Review

2010-10-06T20:44:00.001-07:00

My Total Transformation Review

2010-10-05T22:21:00.000-07:00

My Total Transformation Review

2010-10-04T13:33:00.001-07:00

My Total Transformation Review

2010-10-03T17:01:00.001-07:00

My Total Transformation Review

2010-10-02T12:17:00.001-07:00

Parenting Article- Finding a parenting blog

2010-10-01T20:59:00.000-07:00

Looking for a good Parenting Blog? Here are five tips.

1) Pick a parenting blog that has information relating to your child's age group. If you find a blog for parents of teens and you have a five-year-old, this parenting blog is not currently going to help you. Unless of course you have both a teen and a five-old-year.

2) Find a parenting blog that meets your needs. On the top of the blog it should say what the blog is about or what kind of information it shares. If you find a blog that says it gives bi-weekly tips and articles on raising girls, and you have a boy, you might want to pass on this blog. Unless it also has something else of value for you. Maybe on Fridays it gives nutrition tips or posts simple dinner recipes. If this appeals to you, then just read Friday posts.

3) If you have a child with behavioral issues do not read a blog that is basically a parent bragging about how great their kid is. This could be frustrating for you. You should Google many blogs which share pertinent information on helping parents deal with childhood behavioral issues. Pick at least a couple of blogs relating directly to your child's issue. I.e, ADD or ADHD. Read a few to see what the parenting advice is like. Pick ones that fit your style of parenting. Or ones that give advice you actually might follow through with. You can always keep reading more than one blog. Compare advice. If you desire a blog where parents leave comments on what has worked for them, check for this at the bottom of the article or post. Also, look at past parenting articles. This is a gem mine for information!

4) Do not dismiss parenting blogs that might give you little nuggets of great information. Let us say while looking for a blog that posts family movie reviews you stumble upon a blog that has articles about environmental issues which can impact kids. If you suddenly decide, hey I like that, but you do not want to read this blog every week then check out it once a month. Click on only the posts relating to this issue.

5) Find a blog whose writer has values or outlooks similar to yours. If you are an atheist or lesbian hippie you might not want to read a blog written by a conservative Christian mom who believes in having all her P and Q's in place. Unless you find you like her decorating tips or the arts and craft projects she posts. But do not get peeved if you read her parenting advice which might relate in someway to the Bible. It's her blog. If you don't like it, move on. When choosing a blog ask yourself, do you like the blog master's followers? This is an interesting point to consider. I know someone who liked a particular blog but stopped reading it because a follower kept making what she thought were stupid comments. With so many blogs out there it is easy enough to stop reading one and to find another. Do not let blog posts or comments rain on your day.

My Total Transformation Review

2010-09-22T14:24:00.001-07:00

From lesson 2 on the Total Transformation CD's. I'm still discussing what James Lehman has to say about renegotiating with your child. He talks about how tempting it is for kids to renegotiate. Been there. Tried it as a child with my own mother. And believe me if a parent gives in you make it easier and easier for your kids to do it again and again. If you stand firm it won't be as tempting for them to do. In the future they'll be less likely to try to renegotiate. Don't use these excuses for your renegotiating: "But it's easier to just renegotiate with my kid." "I have less tears when I do it." "I hate to deal with her screaming." "The arguing is worse if I don't do it." I believe the opposite is true. The more you renegotiate the worse it will be when you try to stick to something. The tears will flow more. The yells will be louder. The arguing will be worse. This is because your kids know from past experience you eventually give in. They'll think, "I just have to push and push until Mom finally gives in." To put an end to renegotiating you must stop doing it. Take back control. Your child should not be in the driver's seat. You're the parent. Be there yourself.

Parenting Article

2010-09-18T12:14:00.001-07:00

Violence and Pain in Movies, TV and Cartoons.
Is there a Difference? How does it Affect Children?

I am not a fan of cartoons but I did like certain ones as a child. As the youngest child of many siblings I had very little control of the remote. I was subjected to watching a cartoon rabbit get hit over the head with a hammer and such repeatedly and never die. (I could have left, but why? I got to watch TV.) I never thought these situations were funny, but I never thought the rabbit was in danger. I knew it was animation. On that same token as a kid I saw a television comedy where a science experiment went awry and no one was hurt. In a silent movie I saw a bumbling cop fall off a moving police wagon and I never worried for his safety. I did not take it seriously. But I was horrified when I saw a person getting bitten by an alligator in an action/drama. This seemed more real to me. With the popularity of reality shows today and live snippets on the internet if I saw an actual person getting bitten by an alligator I probably would have had nightmares if I was a kid. But if it was a cartoon scene I doubt I would have given it a second thought. So the question is, are cartoons which show violence, like the bombing of a gofer hole or seeing someone get hit over the head with a pan, bad for children to watch? Well, I do not think it is the best thing in the world for them to watch. You do not want your child to get desensitized to violent acts. But even if they did watch them a normal child of ten knows about pretend. He should not be able to get away with whacking another child over the head with a baseball bat and claim, well I saw it in a cartoon and the cartoon character did not get hurt. Note the word: Cartoon. The average child of ten knows the difference between a cartoon and a live human. Likewise, at nine I knew in real life if you shot a gun at someone that person could die, but in a movie an ACTOR would not get hurt. It was make believe.

I liked Abbott and Costello as a kid. I still do. I know they do not really get hurt doing their slapstick routines. They are performers. Characters in a movie. But children should abhor violence and not think actual pain is funny. I do not like any TV show where people turn in home videos where it is an actual situation where an individual falls over something, hits their head and so on. This is not imagery. Reality is not suspended. These are REAL people in REAL situations. Why is this supposed to be funny? It is not. If you watch home video TV shows with your child where people trip down stairs, bump their head, ect. and one day you bang your head and your child laughs whose fault is this? Why was it funny when a real person banged their head but not you? Another point, what would happen if a child who likes attention watched a TV show where a man on a home video slipped off a high trampoline but got up and everyone in the TV audience laughed? If this child did such an act himself for attention I would feel badly if he got hurt. I could see his point if he said, "Well the guy in the video did not get hurt. And people laughed." I would think it was a very unwise thing to do, but I would feel sad he did such a thing for attention.

Now as a child I could not see myself slipping off a trampoline for attention. But I also could not have seen myself jumping off a low hanging roof to show off either. However, growing up I had hyperactive friend who I would not have been surprised if he would have tried either, for attention or for a dare. In both cases he would have known the danger, he just would have dismissed the thought that HE would get badly hurt. He liked to take risks. I believe some children are more prone to engage in risky behavior. Even if you limit what they watch on TV. My friend's parents were careful with what he watched, but he still was curious. He would not think twice about opening up a phone to see how it worked. As far as seeing violent gory scenes on TV, if he could sneak a peek at another friend's house he would. Would this make him more prone to act out aggressively than if he did not see them? I think it depends on the child. If you have a child who tends to be aggressive and expose him to violence, then my belief is yes. But I think he would be more prone to hit if he sees his parents fighting and hitting than if he saw this type of behavior on the screen.

My Total Transformation Review

2010-09-12T12:06:00.000-07:00

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2010-09-05T15:00:00.000-07:00

My Total Transformation Review

2010-09-03T22:47:00.001-07:00

So far I think a parent of a defiant child can get some really good advice from The Total Transformation Program. In it James Lehman talks about how it is not effective parenting to renegotiate with your child after your child has done something they shouldn't. I agree. Children learn by example and repetition. If you tell your child they can't have an apple until they wash their hands, but you don't keep to this, they will know you don't mean business. It's even worse when you keep repeating this type of lax parenting. You still give them allowance even though they don't do their chores. You tell them they need to call you if they're going to be late for dinner, but they don't, and you don't give them a consequence. You tell them if they hit their brother they can't have computer time. Then they hit their brother and you try giving them the consequence, but they complain and complain until you say, "Fine. I'll give you a second chance, but don't do it again." By doing these things you are showing your child they are the boss not you. They are the ones in control. By renegotiating with you they control what will happen. Kids aren't dumb.

My Total Transformation Review

2010-08-29T22:45:00.001-07:00

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2010-08-12T11:51:00.001-07:00

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2010-08-03T11:15:00.000-07:00

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2010-08-01T20:56:00.001-07:00

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2010-07-26T18:43:00.001-07:00

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2010-07-24T11:14:00.000-07:00

My Total Transformation Review

2010-07-18T23:34:00.001-07:00

Today I am writing about The Total Transformation Jump Start. In it James Lehman makes an important point. Parents need to parent the child they have. Not the child they hoped for. I want to add if you have two kids you might need two different parenting styles. If you have a child, Mark, with behavior problems and rear him EXACTLY like his brother, Doug, who doesn't have these problems, you are doing Mark a disservice. And you will get frustrated yourself. You have two different kids with two different personalities, attitudes and maybe even aptitudes. You need to learn how to correct Mark's behavior effectively. And stop correcting him as if he were Doug. To bring this on home this is a personal example. I had one brother who was low keyed who hardly ever caused my mother trouble. I had another brother with ADHD. My mother had to parent the one with ADHD differently. She loved him just as much as my other brother, but he just needed extra help and a different parenting style. In general, you could have the same basic parenting style but you just need to tweak it some depending on your kids. You might have a daughter who likes to do her homework and study. And you might have a son who hates to do his homework and is lazy about studying. Therefore, with your son you have to motivate him. You need to find out how to do this. That's where a parenting program could come in handy.